62 Thoughts We Had During Episode 1 Of The Bachelorette

Crack out the footy franks and a tall glass of Tia Maria on the rocks because the Bogan Queen has risen and the days of archaic misogyny on The Bachelor are [almost] O-V-A-H.

In a refreshing twist for the global franchise, Sophie Raylene-Gaylene-Lee-Ray-Jones-Maree-Anastasia-Colgate Monk is the first female contestant on the show to have ever voted in two federal elections and doesn’t get ID’d in Dan Murphy’s. And while we were busy waiting for Telstra a.k.a Matty J’s dismal season of The Bachelor to finish, Sophie has been behind the scenes looking for her hornbag hunkaspunk future hubbie, and if the first episode’s anything to go by—I loik what I soi.

Here are 62 thoughts we had during episode 1 of The Bachelorette.

1. Osher still has his delicious Thai glow, I wonder if he uses Le Tan or Bondi Sands.
2. How the fark can Sophie be looking for love when she’s got a puppy that looks like that?
3. I already love that dog more than my own mother.
4. They should just make a show where the winner gets a baby. Apparently, that’s all twenty-first-century women want. That and Sweet Chilli Philly.
5. I want Sophie to look Meryl Streep in the eye and tell her she can’t have a career AND a family.
6. I would give my Double Delight Rose to Mr and Mrs Monk’s cheese platter.
7. It’s so refreshing not to see the bachelorette in a red dress. The costume designer has clearly gotten around to watching The Handmaid’s Tale.
8. Sophie’s so nervous. She looks like she just got to the front of the line at Grill’d and still hasn’t decided between the Garden Goodness or the Wagyu Wonder.
9. Apollo is definitely not a stage name and he is definitely not here for his career. *wink* *nudge* *finger guns*
10. Jarrod’s application for Farmer Wants A Wife was clearly rejected.
11. Eden definitely carries that fold out breakdance mat in his work satchel.
12. I think James’ smile just made me pregnant.
13. TRIPLETS. SHUTUP AND TAKE MY OVARIES.
14. New career goal: get yourself an uncle who’ll take you to Target.
15. Jourdan got lost on the way to a golf lesson and still hasn’t realised.
16. Luke would totally cook dinner AND do the dishes.
17. Seriously, f*ck the guy who dabbed. I’m not even going to learn your name.
18. Singing a song to Sophie Monk is like taking Ian Thorpe to the local YMCA and showing him how fast you can do a lap.
19. Blake is such a wank, I bet he likes all of his own Instagram posts.
20. Dammit he nailed that gift though. The way to a woman’s heart IS through pure merino woollen footwear and bottles of Gossips Moscato.
21. Ryan seems like the kind of person who would cheat at tennis and then yell at you for scanning avocadoes through as carrots at the self-checkout.
22. Seriously though, where does he get off questioning Sophie’s intentions? You’re on the same f*cking show mate!! Check your own intentions!
23. If I meet Ryan in a dark alleyway, I’m going to punch him in the kidney and run off report him to the ATO for tax evasion.
24. It’s so sweet that the fertilisers are all sitting around talking about how beautiful Sophie is.
25. I mean it’s superficial, but it’s sweet. At least they’re not talking about her jugs.
26. They’ve probably edited that bit out already.
27. The producers are defs setting Apollo up to be the next Bachelor. That or the host of X-Factor, I’m yet to see him without a deck of cards in his hand.
28. Osher’s voice has dropped six octaves since last week. Whether it’s from crying over Matty’s choice of womb on the Bachelor or because he’s asserting his dominance in a house full of men, we’ll simply never know.
29. Osh Kosh B’gosh definitely made the Double Delight Rose up in the car ride here. It sounds like what happens at kinder when they let you have two pieces of fruit for little lunch.
30. Why is Blake dressed like a casino chauffeur?
31. He’s clearly dressing for the job he deserves.
32. A casino chauffeur impersonator.
33. Ryan did not just ‘steal Sophie away’ before her first speech of the season. This guy’s audience approval rating just dropped below Grant Denyer’s.
34. Seriously, have a cardonnay and shut up.
35. The producers have definitely given Sophie a stern tongue-lashing vis-a-vis dropping the f-bomb. They’ve let her have ‘crap’ though which is really nice.
36. Georgia Love would sooner have admitted to being an anti-vaxxer than sworn on national television.
37. Sophie is the role model Australian women need.
38. Maybe not career-driven women, but ones who buy Take5 Magazine and do shoeys at the races.
39. If Jourdan’s idea of an ideal date is a long drive to nowhere, I’d hate to see what he gets his mum for Mother’s Day.
40. Ok where the hell did Jourdan’s limp come from?? Apollo’s powers may be stronger than we initially gave him credit for.
41. Ryan’s been here for all of seven minutes and he’s already telling Sophie who she can and can’t see.
42. Sophie, get up and walk away.
43. SOPHIE, REMEMBER HE CAN BE POISON.
44. Never Have I Ever is the single best icebreaker in modern history. Sophie is such an old soul.
45. Jourdan crying because his girlfriend thought he cheated but he didn’t cheat, and his girlfriend didn’t cheat either, so none of them cheated, is all of us trying to explain how Matty chose Laura. It makes no f*cking sense.
46. “Otter! Otter in the pool! Thought you oughta know.”
47. Bloody hell the budget must be yuge in this season. Water rats don’t come cheap.
48. How the fark did it get in the pool at the Bachelor Mansion though?
49. Seriously, Apollo’s powers are out of control. If I didn’t believe he was an Olympian deity from classical Greek mythology, I do now.
50. Sophie is wearing a different suit jacket in every scene.
51. We didn’t see Matty wearing a different necklace in every scene.
52. Actually, we would have if Laura’s PR rep had had her way.
53. YASSS. A WALK OFF. This is how the fate of all relationships should be decided.
54. Everyone’s worried that Blake and the Dab Man are going home because they threw things at Sophie’s face, but she loves that shit, they’re getting single dates next week.
55. Jumping in the pool is so five minutes ago, Sam. Stop taking pages from the water rat’s playbook.
56. Jarrod is so gutted the Sam got the Double Delight Rose, he’s pretty confident his and Sophie’s love could be as deep as the ocean.
57. Finally, the rose ceremony. Let’s send some of these d*ckheads home (LOOKING AT YOU RYAN, YOU CRUSTY WENCH).
58. Dammit he’s safe. I forgot what show I was watching for a second there. #ratingsyo
59. Jamie looks more like George Bluth Snr on Arrested Development than Jeffrey Tambor does.
60. Chad looks like he’s about to get a grilling from the boys on the group chat.
61. And there go the two oldest blokes in the competition. I feel like this season of The Bachelorette has already given us a few empty promises…
62. I hope Tara’s well.

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Image credit: Channel 10