56 Thoughts We Had During Week 2 Of The Bachelorette

We’re already two weeks into the third season of The Bachelorette and so far $6.45 has been spent on producing it. Sophie is loving herself sick in all the new outfits the designers have been digging up for her at the Salvos, meanwhile Osher is still learning how to talk like one of the boys without getting hit with a defamation case.

Here are 56 thoughts we had during week 2 of The Bachelorette.

1. Bachelorette season 3 drinking game: squirt Windex into your eyes and withdraw from the electoral roll every time Sophie mentions how much she regrets choosing her career over children.
2. What I want to know is how much Osher gets paid to fluff around in a suit delivering mail and yelling out basic maths equations.
3. Probably more than the new female CEO of Australia Post.
4. At this point I just want Sophie to go on a single date with a tall glass of pinot grigio and a taping of the 2017 Australian Open Women’s Final when Serena Williams won in straight sets with a human growing inside her.
5. Luke’s not Jarrod though so at least she has a chance of making it through the date without being murdered in a crime of passion.
6. Ok, Luke’s actually a really nice guy. I thought that about the Vineyard Vulture as well though so I’ll sideline my judgement for another ep or two until he inevitably gets her fitted for handcuffs.
7. Someone f*cked up in head office because this season has the same production budget as Harry’s Practice.
8. Body surfing at the beach is what you do on Boxing Day when your parents want you to get out of the house so they can clean it.
9. Luke’s taking it like a champ though because the producers have clearly told him that if he can stop Sophie dropping the F-bomb for half an hour they’ll tell him if the Crows made it through to the semis.
10. I wonder how the guys kill time in the mansion. I imagine ninety per-cent of it is Apollo doing magic tricks with cutlery and the other ten per-cent is James asking if anyone wants a glass of water.
11. Jarrod has clearly spent a lot of time curating a particular image he wants Australia to see and the producers have been like yeah nah we need a token psychopath who appears highly susceptible to malignant melanomas.
12. Like, I’m not sure where he gets off announcing that he and Sophie have had identical upbringings. Last time I checked, Sophie wasn’t an ex-army man who waters grapes and keeps people locked in a basement.
13. Already this season has given us more than any of the past seasons combined. Georgia Love would have sooner sold her eggs to the KKK than say ‘condom’ on national television.
14. And now Sophie’s entire family is about to orchestrate the biggest blind in Australian TV history.
15. Since Toadie’s wife came back from the dead on Neighbours.
16. This entire season is just one massive piss take. They’re all drawing trees on a hill in the bush while Sophie’s sister walks around in a wig repeating lines she’s heard on Married At First Sight.
17. The budget’s so f*cked that they had to make up an elaborate undercover plotline just to get Sophie’s parents to drive everyone around for free.
18. The whole thing is probably being recorded by Osher on a handheld camcorder.
19. Meanwhile, Ryan has picked up his soul somewhere on the hill and is spilling his guts to Ellen a.k.a. Lucy in a kaftan.
20. This is some Miley Cyrus Hannah Montana bullsh*t.
21. I feel like this was supposed to be Ryan’s redemption episode except him blaming his behaviour on bitter breakups more or less confirms our suspicions that he’s a massive knob.
22. Mac being colourblind will definitely keep him on the show for at least a couple of extra weeks.
23. I wish the guys got as hammered at cocktail parties as the girls did. I want Sam to call Jarrod’s suit pants putrid.
24. Jarrod’s all like ‘I love how I always get to greet you at the stairs’ when everyone knows he’s been standing there for four hours, comparison shopping for double burial plots online.
25. I have no time for Sam anymore. Hopefully, the intruders are his nephews.
26. Jarrod has decided to take the game to a whole other level where his strategy is to steal the other men away for a chat so Sophie never has a chance to learn their name.
27. I’m so baffled by how often the boys confuse Sophie with a coat rack.
28. Sophie just got rid of three men (I have never seen before) which means ~intruders~ are coming!!
29. I hope James gets more airtime in this next episode. I want to know the name of the company he works at so he can do my taxes next EOFY.
30. The boys are being oddly reflective. It’s like the producers have gone, ‘ok when I say action, everyone go around the room and say your favourite Demi Lovato lyric’.
31. Osher has apparently been given a promotion and is now being paid to incorporate innuendo into his mansion addresses so the boys can feel more at home.
32. The ‘Real Man Competition’ is the Beachside Bikini Tournament of the Bachelor.
33. Really it should be called the ‘Basic survival skills you should learn for your own benefit competition’.
34. We must remember though that Sophie isn’t here to find love, she’s here to find a live-in bodyguard and qualified tradesperson who’ll let her borrow their sperm.
35. So far in this date they’ve splashed out for a couple of Ikea wardrobes, two economy car rentals and a pile of wood.
36. Mac has the body of a matchstick and the core muscles of a synchronised diver.
37. I feel like Harry’s value set starts and ends at longboard coaching.
38. I know Jarrod believes that finishing the challenge makes him look reliable, but to me it just screams defiance. If I say I want my car tyre loosely screwed on, I mean it.
39. This episode is an HR nightmare. So far they’ve covered ageism and heightism, I’m looking forward to Osher handing Sophie 79% of a beer.
40. Quote Ryan: “I hit it and it felt good”. DO NOT LET YOUR LOVE BE AS DEEP AS THE OCEAN WITH THIS MAN, SOPHIE.
41. I’m almost hoping James loses this weird flame challenge because I don’t want Sophie to steal my man.
42. It disappoints me how excited Sophie is that James can build a fire. Imagine how floored she’ll be when he tells her he can write in cursive.
43. I wonder how it feels to be greeted by a pack of malnourished seagulls every time you enter a house. And one overbearing flamingo who wants that beer battered chip chained to his kitchen sink.
44. Jarrod has all the traits consistent with someone who thinks women shouldn’t drive or own assets.
45. FINALLY. The double delight rose is activated! Maybe they’ll pull out the big guns vis-a-vis budget spend in this date. 
46. Nup, Sophie’s driving Sam over to the neighbour's kitchen in a secondhand Mitsubishi to make packet mix White Wing cupcakes.
47. I live for scenes in the Bachelorette where the girl drives the car and the men are visibly uncomfortable by the ‘power imbalance’. These scenes give me life.
48. Sophie and Sam are drinking Baileys in the good room. The producers are literally stealing date ideas from Kath & Kim.
49. It’s like they’ve gone on Pinterest and searched ‘cheap dates under $20’ and then halved that budget again so they can afford lip gloss for Sophie.
50. Sophie definitely gave Sam a sympathy rose because he still has to cash in the other half of his Double Delight rose. She’ll drop him to the curb as soon as their date at the Kmart carpark next week is over.
51. Apollo is literally carrying this show on his shoulders. I hope they’re paying him as least as much as they paid Jen to commentate the last season of The Bachelor.
52. Seriously, f*ck off Jarrod, you sunburnt psychopath.
53. I wish Sophie could blindside guys in rose ceremonies like they do at Survivor tribal council.
54. Poor Bingham though, in the end he just didn’t know enough about carpentry, mechanics, cement laying and using lethal weapons to get him across the line in the end.
55. Hopefully, he’s going home smack his parents in the face for giving him such a stupid name.

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Image credit: Channel 10