47 Thoughts We Had During Episode 2 Of The Bachelorette

In a shocking turn of events, The Bachelorette has come to a screeching halt on the Strong Independent Female Freeway, pulled a sharp u-banger through three sets of red lights and fanged it straight towards the 1692 Salem Witch Trials. Last night in the Park Hyatt Brotel, six-packs were out in full force, egos were louder than Harvey Norman ads and any concerns surrounding the propagation of socially enforced gender stereotypes were brushed under the IKEA flatwoven rug.

Here are 47 thoughts we had during episode 2 of The Bachelorette.

1. What I want to know is how maggoted these boys had to get before they let their mates sign them up for this shit.
2. Praise be to Jesus! Apollo has summoned Jourdan a crutch. And some more golf shirts.
3. It’s like the producers have said to Blake, “ok, say a bunch of horrible things in quick succession or we’ll tell the Daily Mail you own a puppy farm”.
4. Jarrod, honey, I can tell that’s six kilos of Coles white seedless grapes from here, come back when you’ve got a few vines of Cabernet Sauvignon and we’ll talk.
5. Drinking game: take a sip of bleach every time Sophie says she needs a man to feel complete.
6. Did they headhunt their executive producer from Fear Factor or something? These dates are more demanding than Survivor immunity challenges.
7. Anyone who takes me trapezing can f*ck right off. I can barely look out the window of a two-storey Maccas.
8. If I were the Bachelorette, I’d take them all down the shops for a Bubble O Bill and a Chiko roll. Maybe we’ll jump over some speed bumps if we’re feeling wild.
9. Sophie’s damsel in distress facade makes me want to throw my goon bag at the telly.
10. Seriously though, Jarrod is so bloody nice. I wonder if he’s open to being a professional reference…
11. Ok, Sophie, babe, sweetie, darlin’—Jarrod didn’t save your life, the eleven safety ropes tied to your torso did.
12. She’s speaking as if she gets forced to tightrope walk across football stadiums by overbearing men on the reg. Like, I’m aware that you have a checkered past, Soph, I’ve read about it on Wikipedia no less than seven times since you were announced as the bachelorette, but I think the internet would have told me if you were being emotionally abused by a demented acrobat.
13. Why is Jarrod listing different kinds of doors? Does he now want Sophie to list different kinds of windows?
14. It scares me that there are women out there that need men to twist doorknobs for them.
15. My housemate can open doors and she’s a six-month-old cat who defecates on the floor.
16. I can feel years of modern education flaking off my soul with every minute that Jarrod speaks.
17. I didn’t mean pash him, Soph! At least he’s stopped listing home furnishings now.
18. Why do boys always do that grabby high five thing when they see each other? If I did that to another woman she’d think I was stealing her Pandora bracelet.
19. It’s refreshing to see a man who thinks he knows everything about women.
20. Honestly, Jarrod’s gone from zero-to-psychopath in like four minutes.
21. Meanwhile, Ryan has scheduled no time for fun in his iCal this week, only back-to-back sessions of pure disdain for the female species.
22. I think I may have judged Sam too soon. I think I hate him.
23. This group date is everything that’s wrong with the world. Why couldn’t the photoshoot theme be successful women in business and their male gynecologists?
24. Phwoaar, how good is Apollo’s man rack though.
25. I wonder what his real name is. Darren? Craig? Fayden? Magic Mike?
26. Sam is the Robin Hood who steals from the rich and drinks milk off the floor.
27. And the man needs to be taken down a peg or seven before he does something stupid, like play his immunity idol in the first week.
28. I have so much time for James.
29. James is the father every boy needs. Unless the boy has two mums in which case statistics show that he’ll have a perfectly normal, if not better than average, childhood thankyouverymuch. #auspol
30. Unpopular opinion: James and Elise’s dad are endgame.
31. I’m genuinely concerned that Jourdan is missing a crucial part of his year ten syllabus.
32. Or his frontal lobe.
33. Calm down, Blake. If I had my abs painted on each morning I’d probably look like you too mate.
34. Dayummm him and Sophie are a good looking couple though. TBH I’d look like a Cruskit standing next to them.
35. I’m waiting for Sophie to do something to make me yell YASS SOPHIE SLAAAAY SOPHIE but I can feel my voting rights slipping away with every minute that this episode is on my TV screen.
36. I want her to tell Ryan to f*ck off, slap Sam across the face and ask the cameraman for a vodka rocks.
37. Can I just say though, that Sophie has looked absolutely gawj in every scene so far. They clearly sacked the hairstylist after Georgia Love’s finale and hired someone that didn’t have forks for hands.
38. Ok, can someone check the boot of Jarrod’s car because he’s starting to send off some real Wolf Creek vibes.
39. Also be more original with your gifts, Jarrod, now you just look like a sunburnt tool.
40. And where does he get off wearing black pants with a navy suit jacket? It’s like he wants us to hate him.
41. Who the f*ck's Brett?
42. Alright Sophie, it’s time to throw one of these boobs to the curb.
43. Quite frankly James is the only one I’d share an elevator with, so I don’t really care who you toss in the back of a KIA, as long as there’s a stray f-bomb and a nip-slip afterwards. THIS EPISODE NEEDS DRAMA.
44. It honestly sounds like Sophie’s just reading out a list of her favourite Downton Abbey characters.
45. Bingham’s parents should be in jail.
46. Jourdan limping off into the night in a leg brace is the only way his story could have ended.
47. Wait. Is his brace on the other leg now?

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Image credit: Channel 10