If stereotyping people based on their race, sex or religion is too much for you, but you have a burning desire to overgeneralise in a light-hearted and adorable way, then do we have a treat for you!
Aside from maybe judging you on your Netflix ‘Most Recently Watched’ list, nothing paints a better picture of where you live (and the kind of person you are) than the car you choose to get around in.
Hence we’re bringing you this super reliable but made-up list that we made for no reason other than to watch the entire Coast turn into The Hunger Games. So without further ado, here’s an honest guide to the cars of Sunshine Coast and the suburbs you’ll find them in.
An old, self-painted Kombi with prayer beads hanging off the front mirror, Chakra flags dangling across the back and a box of organic groceries sitting next to a rescued bearded dragon called Ghandi.
A Patrol decked out for four-wheel-driving, pig shooting and trips with the boys up to Double Island Point. The back window features a Southern Cross and ‘My Pitbull Ate Your Family’ sticker.
A 2002 Ford Falcon with sheepskin seat covers and a back dash that is home to Rose, the very blind 100-year-old miniature Chihuahua who barks at the wind and answers to nothing but God calling her back to his house in the sky.
A 2015 Toyota Prado with built-in reverse cameras and a sticker for the twin’s school on the back window. Boot checklist includes hockey gear, clarinet, stuff for swimming lessons at 5pm, school notes that need to be signed, a lunchbox that hasn’t been cleaned out in four years and a couple of girls called Ava and Indy when it’s your turn for ballet carpooling.
A wanky road bike that costs more than your entire family.
A 2009 Suzuki Swift with a Drake air freshener hanging off the mirror. The back seat is the dumping ground for empty Little Fat Lamb bottles, half-drunk triple shot caramel cappuccinos and uni lecture notes with penis scribbles all over them.
An obnoxiously shiny black Mercedes-Benz GLE Coupe complete with driving gloves and Andre Rieu’s latest CD.
A white or black 2012 Golf GTI with DJ gear in the boot, two pairs of Vans in the back seat and your mate Johnno riding shotgun, laughing as he flicks through your Tinder profile ‘browsing for hot chicks’.
A 1966 Ford Falcon XP Wagon complete with Venetian blinds, 16 long boards on the roof and a carton of Stone & Wood sitting on top of a 13-year-old mattress that’s taken priority over the need for back seats.
A golf cart.
An old Datsun from the Middle Ages, covered almost entirely in faded bumper stickers and half a Jacaranda tree. (Plus special mention to the hole in the roof for fitting a second head through.)
A 1997 VW Beetle fuelled with recycled oil from the local Thai restaurant and home sewn car seat covers made from hemp oil and organic Hibiscus leaves.
A 2002 Holden Commodore complete with two ‘cop-slotters’ on the back and ‘The Real Slim Shady’ blasting from a set of self-installed speakers that have ‘the sickest bass, man’.
2032 Range Rover Vogue that gets detailed every Tuesday and houses nothing but a Fendi handbag, a diary with Botox appointments and a couple of receipts from Camilla.
Want to get even deeper? Find out what job you should be doing based on your star sign. What about checking out our roundup of Stunning Scenic Drives To Take Around The Sunshine Coast here? Or what about a roadie? We've rounded up the best weekend road trips from The Sunshine Coast here.
Image credit: Unsplash