Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Venus is in your money house this week, Pisces—with Mars hanging out in your career quadrant too—which means everyone is falling over themselves to give you cash and praise your professional skills. Take all the love and money you can get—it doesn't come around all that often!—but invest it in something that'll help it grow, whether that's a new laptop you can freelance from, a stake in a mate's start-up, or that General Assembly course you've been dreaming about.
Where you need to go this week: If you're not 100% sure which direction your money-making ideas should go, try a taster workshop and take it from there. Hey, somebody's gotta make some cashola from making those stupid terrariums.
You're brimming with star quality this week and, in fact, April is shaping up to be one hell of a month for upping your game when it comes to your #personalbrand. Been thinking about upgrading your wheels to something a little more flashy, or splashing out on that autumn leather jacket you've been lusting over? Why the hell not... You'll make that cash back somehow over the next few months.
Where you need to go this week: Check out our latest fashion wrap, then hit the streets for some retail therapy.
They say that no man is an island. While independence is your thing 99% of the time, this week you're turning your solo streak up to eleven. Make the most of your alone-time by exorcizing some demons, whether that's a) through breaking shit, b) dancing the hell outta your weekend, or c) taking on a bottle of Jack Daniels, alone. This week, YOU are that island.
If you're feeling a bit flat at the thought of having to face a full five day week, Leo, fear not: help is in sight. Your planet of party times is hurtling into your orbit... ok, we totally made that planet up, but luck is heading your way. As the stars align you should experience some unexpected good vibes.
Where you need to go this week: Get your dancing shoes on and head out to one of these places.
Doonas for days, Gemini. We're feeling you—winter is here, daylight saving has ended, it's a few weeks until the next long weekend, and frankly, life can jog on. Sometimes it's totally ok to don your comfiest kit, choose a movie and stay in. This week's just not your week.
Where you need to go this week: Nowhere. Foodora was invented for a reason.
If you've got itchy feet, Cancer, now isn't the time to scratch them. Your planets are scattered, and things are looking a bit wobbly. If you reeeealllly need to mix things up, challenge yourself. Whether it's trying a new activity or volunteering somewhere, you'll feel better for it.
Where you need to go this week: Letting loose at one of these fun fitness classes could just be the answer.
When opportunites present themselves this week, Virgo, grab them and hold on for dear life. Whether it's ruggedly handsome men, cute girls, or job opportunites, now is the time to carpe bloody diem.
Where you need to go this week: Get out and about, you never know who'll you'll meet!
April is going to start off with a big love-filled bang Libras! This week will see you experiencing some of your best days of the month, with your popularity peaking around Thursday. We can only assume it’s all downhill from here, so prepare to bribe your friends, colleagues and family with your incredible baking skills once everyone realises you’re actually super boring. If you can’t bake, you can write off April.
Where you need to go this week: Even if you have no human friends, your four-legged ones will be with you through thick and thin! Reward them with a pup-friendly cafe...
If you’re a little (extremely) unemployed at the moment, April will see plenty of opportunities for new careers and jobs! If you have a job you’re happy with, prepare to be inundated with offers for second jobs and overtime #werk. Accept everything if you’re content with a miserable, rich, rich life.
Where you need to go this week: With all your dollies you’ll have more than enough to splurge on Melbourne’s 10 Weird and Wonderful Airbnbs!
The eastern powers are moving towards the social west, so as planetary powers shift this month Sagittarius, so should you. Literally. Get away on a holiday or that weekend getaway you’ve been postponing for the last seven years. Social interactions are not your asset this week, so we think it’s best to avoid everyone you’ve ever held dear.
Where you need to go this week: Need weekend trip inspo? Check out this regional area known for Gin Making, Cheese Eating and Wine Galore!
Capricorns! April will see your energy levels deplete, so if you’ve been hoarding your Easter chocolate and hot cross buns, now is the time to splurge. If you’ve already eaten your way through the equivalent of a small cacao factory, you may or may not need to restock on the discounted supermarket stuff.
Where you need to go this week: You know what else is good for energy levels everywhere? Pasta. Check out our Ultimate Guide To Melbourne Pasta here!
You managed to scrape through the Easter long weekend without a spot of family drama, but this week, it's all kicking off. Remember, speaking your mind is only helpful when it comes from a place of compassion. Your mother doesn't need to hear that her new haircut makes her look like Bowie in the heroin years, and she certainly doesn't need to find our about your brother's bong-smoking uni days because you accidentally blab about them after one two many at Sunday lunch.
Where you need to go this week: Um, to see your therapist...?
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Ellen Seah, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae