Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people—who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Apparently you've been 'having your way with love' lately, which either means you are dating the right person, or you're dating someone so spineless that you'll never know if they're the right one or not. Roll with the punches, or lack thereof—and if you decide to pack it in, make sure it's on friendly terms. You never know when you'll need to call in that favour slash booty call...
Where you should go this week: Somewhere that's as laid-back as your S.O. Try one of these no-frills cafes for a suitably lazy catch-up.
You're not often a dreamer, but this week feel free to indulge in lie-ins, day-dreams and anything that gets you imagining where you could be this time next year. Running your own tech start-up? Saving asylum seekers from Manus? On a yacht in the Bahamas? Start putting those puzzle pieces in place now, and you might just get there.
Where you should go this week: Not feeling particularly dreamy? Take to the hills in search of inspiration on one of our top hikes. Ahhhh, nature, you're so good for the soul.
Leo, Leo, Leo. You’re your own worst enemy sometimes, aren’t you. I hope the wow of a time you had on Saturday was worth it! Aside from that ripping headache and empty bank account, it’s looking like your personal relationships could take a hit this week. Buckle up.
Where you need to go this week: Buy some pre-emptive flowers at this gorgeous florist.
Oh hey there Gemini! April suits you! Is that a fresh mani you have? A new hair colour? You look good, gurl. Keep on treating yourself—it makes you glow, and the confidence you’re exuding is sexy as hell.
Where you need to go this week: Enjoy a long soak this weekend at one of these epic spas.
I’ve got some good news and some bad news, Cancer. The good is that you’re heading for string of stellar times as the moon moves closer to your dominant planet. You can expect laughter, some good fortunes on the money front, and possibly a new friendship. The bad is that your health might take a bit of a hit next week. We recommend you load up on health bits and bobs. Best not go to work, just in case that makes it worse.
Where you need to go this week: Prepare yourself with this A-Z Of Health Foods.
Keeping a low profile for the past few weeks is going to pay off in the next week or so, Virgo. With a fat wallet and clear head, you’re welcome to go ahead and feel mighty smug. Don’t get too serious though, life’s made to be enjoyed—and the 14th is looking like it could really provide the goods.
Where you need to go this week: Put your dancing shoes on and head out to this epic dance spot.
You're surrounded by love this week: Love for you, love for your friends, and love for your fam. It's just one big love fest. Ew. Try not to gross us all out with your heart eyes, Libra. Just make sure in the coming week you don't make any big decisions: we all know what happens when we're loved up. Hello, $5k credit card debt and new apartment in Schenectady.
Where you need to go this week: Try one of these awesome date night options and drink all the red wine.
So the stars are telling me you need to pay attention to your health this week, Scorpio—especially your liver and thighs. Which just seems like a nice way to say 'lay off the fried chicken and vodka shots, fatty.' To hell with the stars!
Where you need to go this week: Test out the authenticity of our horoscopes article by downing beers / fried chicken at FAT Fried and Tasty. We take no responsibility for what happens next.
I have two conflicting reports here, Saggo: firstly, that this is a great month for your finances. You'll be more comfortable than ever, and money will flow readily. BUT (isn't there always a but?), you're also a pretty careless person with money (don't deny it) so you run the risk of wasting it all. Hire an accountant. Or stop thinking about those Acne boots.
Where you need to go this week: Be frugal and you'll have more money than you need. It's cheap eats time.
The stars are aligned this month if you're a lazy Cap. Yep, they're telling me that you need to stay at home, spend more time indoors, and even work from home. I'm pretty sure your boss will understand if you tell them your horoscope is advising you, spiritually.
Where you need to go this week: Messina do home delivery. I'm just sayin'.
Oh Christ, where to start. Life's been one long list of disasters lately, but letting it all get on top of you ain't no way to get back on track. This week, start looking for those silver linings just about anywhere you can find them. As the divine goddess Aaliyah once said, if at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again.
Where you should go this week: Still not convinced that there's good in the world? Doughnuts exist, and surely that's proof enough.
Been hankering for late-night adventures lately? Blame something to do with the night falling in your sign this week, Pisces, and take every opportunity to party until dawn that you can, and get ready for some weekend liaisons of a romantic nature... Just remember that the working week starts again on Monday, yeah?
Where you should go this week: We'll leave this right here.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae
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