Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people—who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Suddenly, you're finding $50 notes in winter coat pockets and managing to actually make the month's pay cheque last until beyond the first fortnight—Adulting's never felt so good, Aries! This week, it's time to treat your nearest and dearest to a little cashed-up surprise... Just make sure you buy that impromptu round of drinks for the people who actually matter to you, and not the group sponge, hey?
Where you need to go this week: Sharing is caring, folks.
You're always in a rush to tick things off your list, but it's important to remember that some things—like Insta-famous doughnuts, slow-smoked brisket and perfecting your cat-eye liner—take time. One of these things is DEFINITELY connecting with other human beings, so hold up when it comes to trying to make BFFs with the first person you share a tram seat with. Your uncharacteristic enthusiasm for life is making people think you've got a bit of the 'Britney Spears c. 2007' about you.
Where you need to go this week: For a low-key, no-frills life, check these out.
Hey there Leo! Do we need to have a little chat about not having a blow out EVERY Saturday?! We could, but we’re funner than that, so instead we’re going to just tell you to party on. Don’t worry tooooo much about you’re bank balance, you’re here for a good time, not a long time. Your liver on the other hand….
Where you need to go this week: Head to these juice gems and grab yourself a week’s worth of greenies.
Gemini, we’ve got a word of advice for this week. Say ‘Yes’. Say yes to everything. Whether it’s an unlikely Tinder match, a fun-run sign up, or dinner with your G-Parents. Life will be significantly improved and we can see it taking you on a pretty ace little adventure.
Where you need to go this week: Say Yes. And get your friends on board. Head to this hike for a stair challenge.
If money woes have been troubling you recently, Cancer, (and we know they have) hang tight, count your pennies, square up and ask for a pay rise. A: you’re worth it, and B: if you don’t ask, you don’t get. It looks like your financial planet is smiling, so seize the day, my friend.
Where you need to go this week: Head to school of life and well, get schooled.
Things are really starting to come up Millhouse for you, aren’t they Virgo? As the planets align life’s only going to get rosier. Be cautious about diving in too deep—these things don’t last, but in the meantime make the most of it, especially on the 21st—it’s set to be the best day of April for you.
Where you need to go this week: Be smug about all your good luck, buy a lottery ticket and explore Melbourne.
This April, your planet of love, Mars (aka the only other planet humans could possibly live on), is shifting. So not great news. The shift means your love life will start to get seriously complicated (when is it not amirite?) but the good news is you’re set to be happy overall. Mostly. Kind of.
Where you need to go this week: We suggest attempting to eat your love life problems away… literally.
It’s time to finally lose that Easter/Christmas/last year’s birthday weight. Your body is aligned with your inner peace and the health god is sending good gym vibes your way. For when your motivation is feeling a little, let’s say, 'delicate' later in the week, push on through that entire chocolate cake after work. We give you permission.
Where you need to go this week: Are you getting health-obsessed yet? Here are some things you may or may not have said…
According to your star alignment, this week is supposed to see your yearly personal pleasure peak. Talk about pressure... Wrapping up by Sunday afternoon, it’s time to dedicate this week to a little couples hubba hubba time. This only happens once a year, you better appreciate it while it lasts.
Where you need to go this week: To keep you going strong all week, check out our A-Z guide to health food! Not like that, get your mind out of the gutter.
Your energy levels are feeling rather, er, blergh this week. The stars (yes, the stars) recommend a good ol’ face and neck massage to release all your worries. Your planetary powers demand pampering, who are you to refuse?
Where you need to go this week: If you’re feeling too lazy to head to your local grocery shop, check out this new Collingwood gem that delivers fresh, wholesome meals.
Making out with your bro/sis's mates was waaaaaaay out of bounds a few years ago, but now we're all (kinda) adults, so that friendship group is TOTALLY within bounds, amiright?! If you're sick of your own circles, sidestepping into siblings' social scenes should be on the cards this week. Who knows, you might even meet a few keepers in the process...
Where you need to go this week: Take the initiative and be the one to book a table here.
Accidentally picking fights again, Pisces? Hold off on the finger-pointing, and instead plot a way to pick up some extra work that will fill your pockets *and* your spare hours. Maybe it's time to bolster that wine fund with something simple—from babysitting to life class modelling, there's a hell of a lot of opportunity out there!
Where you need to go this week: Anywhere someone will pay you to.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Ellen Seah, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae