Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people—who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
You've had to work your socks off this month, Aries—and it all pays off this week when some puzzle pieces fall into place. Be extra-vigilant when it comes to missed opportunities: jump on every connection you can (yep, even if it means texting that failed Tinder date cos they've got a contact you need, no shame!), and when it comes to the ones you've missed, let it go, let it goooooo...
Where you need to go this week: If the letting go is proving tricky, maybe it's time to shake it off?
Living a life that's all about the lols is 100% permissible. It's time to ditch the haters who are curbing that fourteenth Espresso Martini and wrestling the karaoke mic off you, so that you can be your true Taurean self. Even if your true self wants to sing Craig David 'floor-fillers' and can't remember if they're drinking vodka or tequila.
Where you need to go this week: Looking to make a scene? Try one of these mind-blowing venues for an all-out drama-fest.
Life has been throwing you a few curve balls this year, hasn’t it Leo? Batten down the hatches because there are a few more coming your way before the month is out. Don’t be afraid to seek advice from peers—they’re not competition and want to see you succeed. Take a colleague out for wine, pick their brains and embrace the advice they give you.
Where you need to go this week: Head to this work-friendly wine bar. And grab a pizza while you’re at it.
If you made the most of your stars last weekend, Gemini, your really embraced that extra day off yesterday, and got in to the swing of things. Sad news is that it’s time to knuckle down this week and make a few tough decisions. It looks like your guiding star is burning bright, so listen to your heart, go forth and conquer.
Where you need to go this week: Clear your head and check out one of these running trails.
Family is super important at this time of rocky uncertainty, Cancer. Keep them close and remember that they know you best. Their fun-sponge ways can often kill the mood, but they really do want the best for you. As some of your career and finance planets move in to your outer orbit, hang tight and do what Mum says.
Where you need to go this week: Go wild on a budget with this list of free things to do in April
You’ve been holding the perfect hand for the past 10 days or so, Virgo—and it looks like you there are another pair of aces coming your way. Use your luck wisely, but don’t be afraid to make some bold moves. Whether it’s taking a risk at work or saying ‘yes’ to that unlikely date, chances are things are going to work out for you for the remainder of April, with your planets staying aligned.
Where you need to go this week: Looking for the perfect date place? Check out one of these places.
Siblings, mothers and friends will be pretending to be human-reincarnations of cupid towards the end of April, Libras. So I guess this week is like any other week then? Romantic opportunities are most likely to occur in educational-related settings, so it's time to get off your Netflix-loving butt. Listen to something sophisticated, since Seven Year Switch doesn’t count.
Where you need to go this week: Being broke is no excuse to stay at home, there are still plenty of free things to do this April!
Scorpios will need to consciously work at keeping it in their bloody pants this week. Something something retrograde activity and something something planet alignment means that you’ll be jumping anyone who pays you the slightly scrap of attention. Love at first sight? We humbly think not.
Where you need to go this week: Stay at home this week to keep the rest of the population safe, and check out how UberEATS can save your life.
Good news: your health is going to be in excellent form towards the end of April! Nevermind your co-worker’s dinosaur cough or your partner’s snotty tissues—the moon has faith in your immune system and so should you. Perhaps now is the time to revisit the idea of visiting the gym…
Where you need to go this week: We’ve got your #gyminspo covered with all the things that might get in the way of exercising when you’re a foodie…
As an Earth sign, not only are you particularly great at things that involve dirt, you’re also the kind of person that will get a kick out of meditation, dreaming and general time-wasting. Hooray! This week is the perfect time to let your dreams manifest, even if they never (even come close) to fruition.
Where you need to go this week: There’s nothing better than dreaming + pizza, so make sure you follow our ultimate guide to pizza toppings.
Old flames are a bitch, hey Aquarius? It's time to ditch the worry about digging up the past. Instead, grab your shovel, your top wingman/woman and get revisiting a special relationship of yesteryear. And hey, if they're not feeling it, maybe a lookalike will do?
Where you need to go this week: We'll just leave this right here.
You are always flavour of the month when you're doing everyone favours—but are those mates really in it for the long haul? Saying 'no' to the slackers who offload onto you might be stressful, but it'll sure as hell pay off in the long run. And if you're too much of a scaredy-cat to say it to their faces, a well-worded text will do the trick.
Where you need to go this week: Once you've done the deed, reward yourself by eating an entire jar of this.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Ellen Seah, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae