Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people—who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
You've been working waaaay too hard lately, Aries, and it hasn't gone unnoticed. Now's the time to break out of the office bang on 5pm, and spend that extra time on something creative—like learning how to cook like a badass before winter really hits. Nigella who?
Where you need to go this week: Head here, and buy every cookbook and obscure ingredient in sight.
Apparently you're in your 'yearly pleasure peak,' thanks to the stars and stuff—and for once, the shopping gods are in your favour too. This month's impulse fashion buys will see you through 'til next Spring, so if indulgence is on the cards, make sure you go all in. Especially if it's something that'll flatter those pleasure peaks, if you're catching what I'm throwing.
Leo, you big cutie! All those good vibes that you’ve (unknowingly) been putting out have really had an effect on your pals around you. Keep it up, and the good karma is going to come back to you in spades. Your guiding planet is in full sight this week, so keep on keeping on—May is set to be a cracker.
Where you need to go this week: Want to say a little thank you to a little someone? Send good vibes with a posie from these guys.
Hey Gemini. Two words: Chill. Out. We know that it's been a big week and that you went hard over the weekend, but now is the time to take stock and decompress. Stop for a moment, take a look around you and breathe.
Where you need to go this week: For the ultimate way to de-stress, give floatation a go.
Feeling pretty zen, hey Cancer? It’s a lovely feeling, but don’t get complacent. Keep your eyes and ears open for new opportunities and don’t be tricked into a false sense of security. Love-wise, there are some exciting things coming your way. Do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight.
Where you need to go this week: Feel like dancing? Head here.
You’re usually pretty good at keeping your stubborn streak in check, Virgo—but you’re really going to need to hold the reins tight this week. As everyone and everything around you rubs you up the wrong way, your natural instinct is to stand firm and demand you get your own way. Sometimes it really pays to back down on things, especially when it comes to a work setting. Smile, compromise and kick goals this week, Virgo.
Where you need to go this week: Need to let off some steam? Head to a yoga class at this gem.
It’s a new month and it’s time for a new you. May should provide the calm you’ve been longing for, Libra—so prepare to throw out those party pumps in favour of more practical shoes that are less likely to kill you. Channel your inner practical self, we know it’s in there somewhere.
Where you need to go this week: For all practical purposes, you better look up The Cheapskate’s Guide to Living Large in Melbourne!
Do you know a Scorpio? Pretend you don't. We highly recommend you keep your distance for most of May. It doesn't matter if your excuse is that you’ve contracted a month-long flu, or that your grandma died—Scorpio’s will be intolerable with their social stars misaligned. Impatient and prone to anger (like, more than usual) Scorpios might be best to May it alone.
Where you need to go this week: If you’re going to be a total loner for a month, you might as well visit all the geeky things to do in Melbourne.
Love is set to make headlines in the weekly newsletter of your life (written, edited and read by… yourself). May is your month of LURVE with your romantic stars aligning to help you find a younger, less tattered version of Hugh Jackman. Get out there Sagittarius.
Where you need to go this week: Is there anything more romantic than being locked in a room full of puzzles?
Our secret book of horoscopes recommends that Capricorns hang out with children this May to learn about joy. We think the book has never had to deal with a screeching five year-old cousin. You’re supposed to be channelling your energy into leisurely activities this month by taking time off work, but we both know that’s about as likely as Melbourne being sunny all winter.
Where you need to go this week: If you are determined to get some of that leisure time for yourself, try one of these amazing facials.
"Meh" pretty much sums up your approach to life this week, and you know what? That's totally fine. Ignore everyone who's pushing you to be the life and soul of the party, and instead, spend the time rethinking your goals (yes, it IS good to have at least a few on the go). You'll turn that "meh" into "ah-meh-zing" in no time.
Where you need to go this week: To an appointment with your bank manager, your personal trainer, your faith healer... Anyone who'll give you a little get-up-and-go!
You are feeling slower than slow, and it's actually for the best. Use your newfound patience to focus on completing important tasks to perfection, and get the small stuff out of the way sharpish. Nobody needs to spend an hour deciding what to order at dinner. Instead, spend twice the time enjoying it.
Where you need to go this week: These guys know all about balancing the fast with the slow, so lock in a weekend session, pronto.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Ellen Seah, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae