Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people—who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
You've had a string of quick wins lately, Aries, but you have literally NO idea where they came from, or what direction you're going in. Maybe it's time to do a little soul-searching about what you want for the rest of the month (hint: 'whatever' isn't the best answer), and finally admit that right now you pretty much need Google Maps to get out of bed in the morning?
Where you need to go this week: While you're at it, check out these other digital helping hands.
Friday 13th might be unlucky for some, but not for you! Crack out your fancy pants and stock up on the champers because this weekend is going to hit fifth gear... Just remember not everyone travels at your speed. Some people *need* the Netflix and chill.
Where you need to go this week: Melbourne's fastest cocktail pours happen at this seedy nighttime spot. You know what to do.
Leo, you dirty rotten scoundrel, we know you’ve been up to no good again. Karma just might come and bite you on the 14th as your ruling planet moves into your outer orbit. Hang tight and be kind—there’s time yet to turn things around!
Where you need to go this week: Take a little moment and start by being kind to yourself.
Hey there Gemini, you’re looking a little worse for wear. Good news is that your stars are aligning this week and it looks like all things love and money are on the rise. Make the most of it around the 12th—your whole month is set to peak then. Stay positive keep your eyes peeled.
Where you need to go this week: Indulge in some people watching at one of these gems.
Cancer, Cancer, Cancer—whatever are we going to do with you?! If money is a little tight (we’re guessing it is after that splurge you’ve been having) there are some lucky stars coming your way. Be careful though, luck will only take you so far—good management is what is really needed, especially when it comes to dollars. Bank it.
Where you need to go this week: Live a little frugally—this list should help!
If you’ve been feeling a little anxious lately, Virgo, it’s totally understandable. Your stars have been well and truly out of whack. Things look to be realigning towards the end of the week, and this weekend should be an absolute rip-snorter if you let go of the reins a little and relax.
Where you need to go this week: A wine usually does the trick.
As your planetary powers have shifted back to normality, May is looking like a practical (and fun-less) month. It’s good for your career, but bloody boring for your friends, family and every misfortunate person you happen to come across. Snap out of it Libra! What's the point of working if you don't enjoy your hard-earned dollars?
Where you need to go this week: If a wild(life) weekend away doesn’t give your fun levels a much-needed boost, we think you might be a lost cause.
Lock up your boyfriends and throw away the key Melburnians, Scorpios are on the prowl this week! With the power of Jupiter moving forward towards the start of the week, the romantic outlet for Scorpios and their chosen partners is looking pretty positive. Everyone else, keep your bae away from them.
Where you need to go this week: If you haven’t caught our Live Blog of one of the most popular dramas of the year, you’ve got to check it out!
If your post-Christmas diet has been (necessarily) postponed, now might be the ideal time to renew that gym membership and invest in a hundred kilos of chocolate protein powder you’re never going to use... because it tastes like sandpaper blended in water. Even with your generous doughnut calorie budget, the moon will give you the energy to achieve the health goals you’ve been striving for since 2010.
Where you need to go this week: Head to this quiet, local suburb for some of the best fitness classes in Melbourne! There are plenty of essential post-workout options too…
You need to chill out this week Capricorn. We know you have much bigger issues in life, like whether Mindy is going to be promoted over you, or when you’ll be able to afford to fix the hot water system—but if you never take time to rest, recuperate and recover, May isn’t going to be a great month for you. Like your mum, who ended up being right about (quite) a lot of things, we're going to say we told you so.
Where you need to go this week: Believe us, there is no better way to relax than this.
Stay away from your plagued, flu-carrying friends this week—you're in prime position to contract something that'll leave you on the sidelines for weeks, so make sure you're resting up and trusting in the power of Berocca. There's no shame in having an intimate relationship with your doona.
Where you need to go this week: Just in case you run out, we'll leave this right here...
Balancing work and play has always been a tricky one, and this week is no different. Remember that mates, family and partners deserve as much of your attention as that pivotal project in the office. Oh, and did you forget about Mother's Day? You'd better make up for it this weekend, big time.
Where you need to go this week: Somebody in your life needs to be treated to one of these.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Ellen Seah, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae