Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
You've got it all, Aries, but with Mars in retrograde you have absolutely NO CLUE what to do with it. The best option is to opt out of any activity that could have a chance of getting out of hand. That weekend in Mornington accidentally turned into a fortnight in Monaco? You've only yourself to blame...
Where you need to go this week: Road trips in under $20? Yes please.
You reckon you're getting a hell of a lot of gifts for free this week, and you are—but remember that some of those so-called mates will be looking for favours in return. Don't take the last doughnut from the office Doughnut Time order, even if your boss insists, and DEFINITELY don't accept a pint from that friend that's moving house next week, or you're guaranteed to put your back out shifting their rancid couch into their dad's deathtrap ute.
Where you need to go this week: Avoid the frenemy situations with a little solo dining in style.
Leo, you lazy lounge lizard, we get that your energy and inspiration levels are at an all time low, but you reaalllly need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and prepare to conquer. Luck isn’t particularly bountiful for you at the moment, but a wise man once said, “the harder you work, the luckier you get.” Make this your mantra Leo, and this week will be your best in a long time.
Where you need to go this week: Need an extra energy boost? These guys will have something that’ll do the trick.
Oh hey there, Gemini! Have you had a blast this week? You should have, the stars were really on your side. This weekend is set to be a pearler, as all things love and money align. Be open minded, giving, and say yes. You never know where it might take you.
Where you need to go this week: Open your eyes and go exploring, these V-Line adventures should give you some inspo.
If you’ve been having a bit of a battle on the career front, Cancer, hang in there. Even though Jupiter has been lingering in your far outer orbit, drawing attention away from your career-climbing ambitions and plentiful promotion prospects, things are set to improve towards the end of the month. If someone or something is giving you emotional troubles, go forth and tackle it head on.
Where you need to go this week: Relax, get a massage.
Sometimes you need to just chill out, Virgo. We get that you’re this overachieving, stubborn, workaholic, but the perfectionism thing is getting old. Loosen that death-grip that you have on life, shrug your shoulders and do something rebellious. If you’ve been questioning your future recently, now is the time to have faith that everything turns out right in the end.
Where you need to go this week: Wine fixes everything.
Your finances are (supposedly) looking pretty healthy this week thanks to the positioning of your financial planet. If you’ve been holding off on brunch-ing every Sunday and avoiding online shopping like the plague, let yourself go this week and enjoy the little things in life—like macaroons.
Where you need to go this week: Since you’re splurging you might as well try this drool-worthy mixed berry hotcake!
The flu has its nasty, mucus-clogging sight set on you. Avoid sick friends, co-workers and serial cough-ers on public transport this week. If you absolutely must leave the safe, virus-free environment of your home, fill your purse with vitamins, minerals, and every other supplement vaguely related to health.
Where you need to go this week: If you do end up with a cold (we did warn you), here are the perfect cold cures.
Stop lining up Tinder dates and let love come to you this week. Your Prince Charming is promising to appear when you’re at your least impressive, so it’s time to hit the gym every night and work up a sweat storm. Love is a give and take game, after all.
Where you need to go this week: But what if you hate fitness? Here are the best fitness classes for people who hate exercising.
It’s time to take a step back and focus on the amazing people around you, Capricorn. Whether it’s your nagging mother (who turned out to be right about a couple of things) or couch-loving boyfriend, if you're patient and caring this week you’re probably going to get a lot in return. But just in case you don’t, at least you’ll feel like a good person?
Where you need to go this week: Show your loved ones just how much you #heart them with these dates that will impress.
Ah, so you're the one that's been infecting your entire household with the latest viral nasties. Instead of soldiering on through a flu that'd render even The Mountain bedridden for a week, take it easy and treat yourself to some quality fruit and veggies, and at least 12 hours' sleep. Your brain might not thank you for it, but your body definitely will!
Where you need to go this week: Not sure what's healthy and what's not? We'll leave this riiiight here.
OMG EMERGENCYYYYY! You're always on the look-out for the latest disaster to fix, but sometimes it's better to remember that it just ain't your responsibility to keep everyone on cloud nine. Kick back, relax, and invest in some quality 'you' time this week, whether that's a shopathon, a massage or an evening in with a bottle of vino.
Where you need to go this week: Finding it tricky to fit in a little pamper sesh? You can tick it off in a lunch hour!
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Ellen Seah, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae