Bars & Pubs

How To Drink Like A Champ If You’re Actually A Lightweight

By Allira Sher
13th Aug 2018

It’s not easy being a lightweight. I mean, yeah sure, we’re cheap dates and we don’t need to spend as much on a ‘wild’ night out. But we also struggle to make it past midnight, suffer from recurring VIH (vomit in hair) and wake up with the worst hangovers EVER. All that, plus our mate Susan who smashes triple tequilas, can stay out till 5am and wakes up fresh as a daisy. It isn’t fair. That’s why we’ve put together a list of pro tips and tricks to help you keep your sh*t together on a night out.

Here’s 30 tips we guarantee will help keep your head on your shoulders (and out of the toilet bowl). Godspeed, lightweights. 

  1. Don’t try and keep up. You know that linking-arms-and-sculling bullsh*t? It’s never going to work in your favour. You may all be the same size, but your liver isn't. Drink at your own pace, guys.
  2. Leave a bottle of water next to your bed. Or better yet, Powerade. You’re going to need some serious hydration at 2am.
  3. Want to take it one step further? Pop two Panadol and a Hydrolyte on your bedside table before you go. Your body will be grateful. 
  4. Remember to line your stomach. Not too much, though. You don’t want people knowing if you had pasta for dinner (trust me, that nickname will stay with you for life).
  5. Don’t wear white. It won’t be white in the morning (RIP beautiful 21st dress).
  6. Keep a bucket or some other vomit-proof receptacle next to your bed. Standard. 
  7. Don’t forget to wear underwear. Do we need to elaborate?
  8. Make sure your phone is in a protective case. Those things get smashed almost as easily as you do.
  9. Bring a hair tie. ALWAYS bring a hair tie.
  10. Avoid tequila at all costs. Tequila is not your friend.
  11. Neither is the guy who’s trying to buy it for you.
  12. Or Passion Pop.
  13. Or goon.
  14. Or red lipstick. Dear god please do not wear red lipstick.
  15. Hold the same drink for an hour but stand near the bar so it looks like you’re always getting a new one (nobody will suspect a thing).
  16. Pro-tip, you can also lean on the bar and look really cool and totally not drunk.
  17. Water is your best friend. For every bev (let's face it, you’re probs only gonna get through 3 max) have a glass of that golden h2o.
  18. Game-changer…pretend your water is vodka and fool EVERYONE.
  19. Try not to tell anyone how drunk you are.
  20. Especially if you’re off chops after two drinks (which tbh, you are).
  21. Bring breath mints. The only thing worse than bad breath is drunk bad breath. Ew.
  22. Stay close to your friends. They’ll keep you standing up-right and lie to you when you ask if you look alright.
  23. Don’t fear the bathroom. We take care of each other in there. The random girls in line will become your new best friends (that you’ll forget in the morning).
  24. Remember that no one is actually interested in your life story.
  25. Put your phone on aeroplane mode so you don’t have any text-regrets in the morning (we’ve all been there).
  26. Avoid mirrors if you can. They’ll rock your world.
  27. Don’t get in an Uber by yourself. The driver can’t catch you when you fall out of the door.
  28. Take your shoes off before you go inside. Mum won’t suspect a thing.
  29. Cancel any plans you had for the next day. It’s gonna be long and hard.
  30. Don’t go to bed before you’ve had something to eat. A good ol’ quarter pounder meal always does the trick.  

Kebabs cure everything. Here's where to get Melbourne's best.  

Image credit: Griffin Simm

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