Anddd we’re back, bringing you all there is to know about the ins and outs of Game Of Thrones! My family have begun bellyaching about the noise of my typing, so I might be sentenced to solitary GoT viewing next week. Who’s going to tell me when the obligatory gory scenes are over and it’s PG-safe to watch again?
We start this week's ep with an extended, ultra-shocked shot of Sir Davos. The close-up angle of the camera is not flattering. Is that a nose hair I spot? It’s too early in the episode for this kind of crap.
Jon Snow’s direwolf, Ghost, seems perplexed at his master’s return, which is hopefully a good indication that Jon is not mentally right up there. I have my fingers and toes crossed for a fun revamped, megalomaniac Jon Snow.
Said megalomaniac is currently hyperventilating like a fat kid in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory—yes, you're alive, calm down. Sir Davos is doing absolutely nothing productive to help him, for reasons that are unclear. Maybe he’s lol-ing inside. Maybe he likes seeing him naked as much as we do. Jon Snow informs everyone that there’s nothing in the afterlife. Poop.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Night’s Watch is like standing around like a pack of confused drunk people on Monday morning outside Revs. There’s a cheeky passing reference to the size (or lack thereof) of Jon Snow’s package, which every female GoT fan will ignore because lies.
Sam and his sort-of-not-really-wife (does anyone know her name) spend some time on a boat. Sam throws up. That’s literally all that happens for two minutes. ZZzzzZzzzZzz.
The Mother of Dragons is maybe going to be buried alive which will surely bring some entertainment. She isn’t buried alive. Ugh. But the tombs are distinctly above ground, which is probably going to be awfully convenient at some point when a dragon arrives.
We cut to the Meereen round table which is looking a little sparse. Tyrion is amusing as always, but at this point I’m not sure this episode can be saved unless The Mountain squashes another beloved character's skull with his bare hands.
In the meantime, Tommen has finally grown some balls but after about ten seconds of avid listening I unconsciously tune out because my three-year old attention span can't tolerate this storyline.
Arya Stark comes back into focus and the directors have somehow made a blind girl being repeatedly beaten so. unbearably. boring. Her eyes come back. I’m considering the pros and cons of a nap.
Something is happening with the Bolten boy and hang on, the episode is nearly done and LITERALLY NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING IN THIS EPISODE SURELY SOME DRAMA WILL OCCUR SOON.
In what I can only assume is an attempt to wake viewers, the producers play the Rickon card. I have no idea who this kid is. I do a sneaky Google, and we’re back on track.
Jon Snow kills the people that tried to kill him last season and then appears to do a walk of shame out of the Nights Watch. Where he’s going is anyone’s guess.
Unfortunately after all the dramatic resuscitation drama in #ep2 the producers must have lost all their storyboards because episode number three was pretty much a snooze fest. And now we have to wait a whole week longer. Sigh.
Want to re-live an episode where things actually occured? Re-live episode two.
Image credit: Game Of Thrones.