15 First World Problems Australians Need To Get Over

By Daniel Colasimone
17th Feb 2016

Australians have a pretty sweet deal, in general, but that doesn’t stop us complaining about pretty much everything.

Our plum suburban lives have perhaps made us lose perspective a little bit, with a tendency to amplify the daily “problems” we face. It’s hard to imagine someone in war-torn Yemen, for example, worrying too much about any of the following issues.

That is not to belittle the struggles you encounter, though, as you plough through this crazy thing called life.

Here are 15 reasons why living in one of the world’s most prosperous nations isn’t all toast and vegemite.

1. Popcorn and soft drinks are exorbitantly priced at the movies, thus infringing on your basic human right to scoff copious amounts of salt and sugar while you sit on your bottom being entertained for two hours.

2. You want to get passionate about politics but it’s impossible to find an Australian politician to support who isn’t a complete colostomy bag.

3. Infuriatingly, the country continues to run relatively smoothly no matter which poopsack is in charge.

4. You’d really like to check your social media while lying in bed in the morning but your phone screen keeps disrespecting you by flipping sideways, as though the only possible way for people to read a screen is if they’re sitting or standing up straight.

5. Europeans in the 14th century thought it was ‘hard’ avoiding the Black Death. Maybe they should try avoiding Game of Thrones spoilers when shit goes down at 11am Australian time and you’re not watching the episode until you get home that night.

6. You can’t have a decent argument with your friends anymore. Any facts can be proven or disproven within seconds by the interwebs.

7. Most international sporting events are on at inconvenient times for Australians, meaning if you want to watch a bail fall the instant it happens across the other side of the world, you have to lurch out of bed in the middle of the night like some kind of supermarket shelf packer or long-haul truck driver.

8. All the selfish bastards you play Words With Friends against won’t hurry up and make a move, so you have to sit there on the bus bored as hell, looking out the window at real life.

9. Tim-Tams keep coming out with fricken amazing ideas for flavours and now you’re morbidly obese.

10. You really need to get every 10th coffee for free because you’re a tight arse, but you’re trying to look cool in front of the cool barista and don’t want to seem desperate to get your loyalty card stamped every day.

11. Your signature is lame because you designed it when you were seven years old and opening a Dollarmites account.

12. Not only must you suffer the indignity of needing two or three remote controls to work the telly, you have to go through the tedious process of explaining which one to use when guests come around. If those guests are your parents, you basically have to write off half a day while they get the hang of it.

13. Just because you shovel food faster than your friend or partner, society expects you to sit there in a state of crippling boredom and wait for them to finish their own meal, rather than just wandering off and doing something fun, like lying on the couch.

14. It is critically important that you listen to phat choons while cruising around in your Yaris, but at the top of the hour every radio station has to play like five minutes of news. Was there a vote on the first day of radio that all the news has to be at the same time?? Why can’t they stagger it so badasses like you can get their funk on 24/7?

15. A dingo ate your baby.

Image Credit: YouTube

This article previously appeared on The Urban List

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