Your 20s are a period of transition. You’re no longer a responsibility-free teenager, but most of us haven’t settled down yet, either.
Who wants to commit to a mortgage or a career and settle for good on the Sunshine Coast when there’s still so much travelling, dining, and partying to do?
So before you start adulting full-time, here’s a few tips from a #propergrownup about everything you need to do before you hit your dirty 30s.
1. Write down something you’re grateful for every morning for a month.
2. Give up after Day 8 when every entry reads “coffee”.
3. Develop “issues”. Fear of spiders, fear of commitment, fear of success… Basically, if it’s bad enough to need a therapist, you’ve nailed adulthood.
4. Get a regrettable tattoo. Bonus points if it’s on your face.
5. Life’s too short to stay in a job you hate. Make an empowered decision to rid your life of negative energy and quit.
6. Experience Australia’s generous welfare safety net and apply for 30 jobs a week while surviving on Homebrand baked beans and two-minute noodles.
7. Get a pet. While puppies and kittens might be the perfect way to practice your parenting skills, venomous snakes add an element of danger. As an added plus, they only need to eat about once a fortnight.
8. Forget the “extreme sports”. No bungee jumping or parkour. If you want to prove that you’re a REAL adrenaline junkie, try getting your first STD test.
9. Tweet your celebrity crush. This, right here, is your ultimate aim. #lifegoals
10. Plan your wedding. Pick your dream venue, and check it out when there’s a wedding scheduled to get a real vibe for the setting. What? It just happens to be your ex getting married? TOTAL coincidence. Honest.
11. Girls, go to a music festival in a crocheted midriff top and a stupidly big, floppy hat, and sit on a guy’s shoulders. Because trust us, this is not a look you can get away with after 30.
12. Guys, go to a music festival and dance shirtless with a girl on your shoulders. Because trust us, if you do it after you’re 30, it just gets a bit weird.
13. Sacrifice your youth by getting a mortgage with your significant other, then breaking up. If you get embroiled in a nasty custody battle over the cat, then you’re doin’ it right.
14. Take up yoga. Or just buy heaps of yoga pants. Those things are COMFY.
15. Start a business. There’s totally a market for guinea pig grooming. #yougotthis.
16. Be single and cool with it. Embrace the awesomeness of yourself and the serenity of alone-time. Note: If you find yourself living in a cave on a Nepalese hillside, you may have gone too far.
17. Embark upon an impossible relationship—they might be much older, much younger (but not in a creepy/illegal way), or from a family with whom you have a multigenerational blood feud. Either way, it will help build your resilience and ability to cope with failure when it inevitably crashes and burns.
18. Start a swear jar.
19. Realise after about 20 minutes that if this keeps up, you won’t be able to afford to pay rent. F**k.
20. Channel the junior members of the Kardashian Klan and achieve the perfect selfie. *No responsibility taken for any lip overinflation that may occur.
21. Have a “career”. In fact, have half a dozen. If you’ve changed your career five times between your teens and late 20s (with the accompanying HECS debt), you’re totally ready for the insecurity of adulthood.
22. Test a shaky relationship by going on holiday together. Bonus points for breaking up on the first day, then spending the next two weeks ordering pina coladas and basking in a mutual pool of resentment.
23. Learn to ride a motorbike.
24. Enjoy the benefits of our excellent emergency medical system to treat injuries sustained while riding your motorbike. (Google “degloving”. Just not after dinner.)
25. Make poor fashion choices. While this is generally easier for those of us who grew up in the 80s, I have two words for you, 90s kids—Double Denim.
26. Try karaoke. Because Steve Nicks is my spirit animal, I always choose “Rhiannon”.
27. Learn to cook one amazing signature dish. Keep it interesting by incorporating ingredients that can only be foraged from the top of Mount Coolum, at midnight, on a full moon.
28. Live alone. For a while. But when you inevitably descend into squalor, using forks as back scratchers and building sculptures out of toenail clippings, then it’s time to find some flatmates. Trust us, you need their pity and judgment to keep you civilised.
29. Go skinny dipping. But for the love of god, check the signs for bluebottle warnings first.
30. Pay off your credit card and enjoy the freedom of living debt-free. For about half an hour. Then blow it all on a hoverboard.