Some people talk about the inevitable apocalypse that will one day destroy all of mankind and make life itself on earth unlivable, however, us pale plebs just call it ‘summer’. Each year, people around the country rejoice when the mercury rises, their bodies change colour and it becomes acceptable to eat Bubble’O Bills for breakfast.
Meanwhile, a small chunk of the population are hiding out in their Doomsday bunkers, shedding layers of their skin and sticking pins into tanned voodoo dolls that are only wearing SPF15+ sunscreen. Fortunately, there are a few simple life hacks that can you make summer for you as a pale person almost bearable.
Here are 16 ways you can avoid shedding years off your life this festive seasons:
- Wear an Ugly Xmas Rashy ‘ironically’ for the entire duration of summer.
- Better yet, if you can make wearing a wetsuit ‘ironic’—do that too.
- Alternate between a top knot and a low pony every second day to avoid burning the crap out of your scalp.
- Keep a wide brim floppy hat and sunscreen in your glovebox in case there’s a long line at the Maccas drive-thru.
- Low-key take a sarong with you everywhere so you have something to drape over yourself if you get stuck in line at the ATM or at traffic lights. If people ask where you got it, just say Gorman and run away.
- Don’t leave the house on days with a predicted UV index over ‘moderate’.
- Carry an umbrella with you everywhere and tell everyone it won’t close because it’s broken.
- Buy a daily moisturiser that contains at least SPF15+, combine that with a teaspoon of Cancer Council Sports Strength SPF50+ and apply liberally, every hour on the hour.
- Add 500mL of aloe vera cream to your evening baths.
- Wear knee high boots everywhere.
- Wear nothing but long sleeve, floor length kaftans and tell everyone you read about the trend alert in Vogue Egypt.
- Buy an enormous pet, such as an Alsatian or a Welsh Mountain Dog, or even a thoroughbred racehorse, and train it to stand upright for hours at a time so you can lay in its shadow.
- Grow your hair as long as possible and use it as an extra sarong.
- Wear lightweight elbow-length gloves at all times.
- Hydrate regularly from a Kathmandu water bladder stored in a bumbag under your Kaftan.
- Reverse your body clock and sleep during the day (note: seek permission from your employer/loved ones/GP first. In fact probably do that for all of these).
Image credit: Ed Cee