Alright, so I’m trying to write this one–glass of pinot in hand, without having a completely farcical meltdown. Next year, I’ll be turning thirty, and while age might be but a number, it’s certainly a number that I’d rather wasn’t rounding itself up to the big three-oh in a matter of months. Why, it feels like it was only yesterday that I was a happy-go-lucky whipper-snapper, swigging prosecco from the bottle and belting out some mid-week karaoke classics. Not a care in the world… Oh, wait, that *was* yesterday.
So, without further ado, here are thirty things you should have done in Melbourne before turning thirty. Because why the hell not?
#1: Try at least one fitness craze for each year of your adult life. Barre. HIIT. Crunning… You’ve done it all.
#2: Tallied up the number of hours you’ve spend queuing for a table on Flinders Lane, then shed a tear about the sheer loss of precious time that you have left on this planet that’s been spent waiting in a draughty stairwell.
#3: Slipped over running for the train at Flinders Street Station.
#4: Had an argument with a ticket inspector about your personal safety after running for the train at Flinders Street Station.
#5: Challenged a mate to eating a basket of extra hot wings at Belle’s Hot Chicken, and won.
#6: Challenged a mate to drinking an entire mini keg of beer at Gami Chicken, and lost.
#7: Challenged a mate to actually turn up for the Melbourne Marathon instead of forfeiting their spot via Gumtree, and spent the last 5km of your own marathon journey fuelled by pure smugness.
#8: Spent the same as the cost of a lavish weekend in Daylesford on a cutting-edge but totally insane haircut at Fitzroy hair salon, Cream. Whoops…
#9: Taste-tested all of the flavours at Messina in one visit, then tried not to spew all over the tram on the way home.
#10: Gone to the footy, even if you have no idea how the game works, who’s playing, or why there are so many freakin’ goal posts.
#11: Actually gone to Anti-Gravity Hill in the Macedon Ranges, just to confirm that the water really does run uphill.
#12: Camped on the roof of Melbourne Central, thanks to St. Jerome’s–The Hotel.
#13: Defended every penny spent on your camping experience at St. Jerome’s–The Hotel to your incredulous friends. Hey, they’re just jealous.
#14: Sang Johnny Cash karaoke at The Gem on Cup Day Eve. You went down, down, down, and the flames went higher…
#15: Bought some truly hideous furniture from Ishka and instantly regretted it. But it was on sale, ok?!
#16: Gone on an impromptu holiday to Bali with your best mate, thanks to a bottle of wine and your credit card.
#17: Gone on an impromptu road trip down the ‘ninch because it’s fiiiiinally sunny.
#18: Fallen in love with Sydney for all of 30 seconds, before vowing never to actually consider moving there again.
#19: Celebrated new year’s eve in Edinburgh Gardens and lived to tell the tale (RIP the greatest unpoliced party of the year).
#20: Gone to Meredith/Falls/Boogie and had an epic time dancing in the dirt and making heaps of new friends.
#21: Spent 3 weeks trying to clean all the dust/glitter/Tim Tam wrappers out of your car, thanks to being the designated driver for Meredith/Falls/Boogie.
#22: Stuffed your face with $1 oysters at South Melbourne Market.
#23: Surprised a date with a cocktail in the secret bar behind Pizza Pizza Pizza, hence ruining every future date they’ll ever have. HA.
#24: Taken a dinghy and a six-pack of tinnies down the Yarra with a few friends at mid-summer.
#25: Gotten really, really sunburnt while taking a dingy and a six-pack of tinnies down the Yarra.
#26: Dented someone else’s bumper due to Punt Road road rage.
#27: Gone for a ‘few quiet beers’ on a Friday evening and ended up on King Street at 3pm on a Saturday arvo.
#28: Gone for a ‘few quiet beers’ on a Friday evening and ended up at Revs at 6am on a Sunday morning.
#29: Started a food-dedicated Instagram account because duuuh.
#30: Toasted the last eve of your 29th year with a tipple in one of the best bars in the world. Here’s to another three decades of God knows what.
For more suggestions of things to do in Melbourne, no matter what age you are, check out 41 Steps To Becoming A True Melburnian.
Image credit: Punchbowl.com