It’s time to crack out the footy franks and put the Tia Maria on ice because the sole reason Australia’s GDP is plummeting through the floor has hit our screens for the second time this week.
Over in Paradise, tensions are building, mojitos are free-flowing and Channel Ten’s ratings are getting a cheeky nudge every time Megan talks about her sexuality. So far, the climate has been one giant shitstorm, while tonight the outlook is drunk with a chance of sunburnt bitch slapping. What a time to be alive.
Here are 35 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
- The episode opens with Simone choking down gin and tonics by the pool while Elora deadlifts a 2-kilo Milo tin on the lawn.
- Michael’s sweating bullets about the impending rose ceremony because Lisa’s given him about as much attention as Jarrod’s given sunscreen.
- All of a sudden, the Love Gate’s rusty hinges start squeaking and a Kinder Surprise sized Hercules swans in, in a one hour Bondi Sands express tan and an immaculate man bun.
- In a shocking twist, Canadian Thomas locks eyes with the first skinny blonde within reach and drags Megan over to the Rotunda of Romance to brag about his long list of recreational hobbies.
- Jarrod then dusts off his fresh immigration thesis and starts making wild generalisations about Americans, even though Tom is from Canada.
- Thomas then sets his eye on the next blonde with a below average BMI, while Lisa tells the girls that she’s come to realise Luke’s a total hornbag and she’d be a hecking lemon to pass up an opportunity to smooch him out the back of the tennis courts.
- Michael then takes Lisa behind the art room and asks her why she hasn’t slid into his DMs since he made her that custom Spotify playlist.
- Lisa tells Michael to just back of please because Luke recorded and produced an EP for her on his iPhone 4 and her mind’s made up about who’s taking her to see Love Simon this weekend.
- Michael swears a bit and then empties his UDL into the spa before jumping behind the wheel of a Nissan X-Trail in the carpark and driving off into the night, never to be seen again.
- Lisa and Luke then canoodle in the hammock and bitch about how Michael wasn’t even a professional soccer player anyway.
- Lisa then invites him over to watch Charmed and eat party pies at her house while her mum’s on a netball trip and Luke declines because he wants to play Cluedo with Sam.
- All of a sudden Lisa starts folding her bikinis into a Country Road tote, ready to blow this popsicle stand with or without her new-found hunk of muffin, while Luke’s ugly crying into a coconut because he doesn’t want his free holiday to end.
- On his way to the bathroom, Luke trips and smacks his head on the bar fridge, knocking him to his senses and making him realise that he’ll never meet a gal like Lisa in line for 24 chickie nugs at 3am.
- Luke then throws his budgie smugglers in a Woolworths tote bag and joins her in the car park to argue about who’s bringing Pringles to their Charmed sleepover.
- Out of nowhere, Ali jogs in (sans sports bra) with a date card in hard, ready to drive a massive wedge, nay potato, between Simone and Elora who have been walking on cartoons of goose eggs ever since Elora animorphed into a psychotic man-bagser.
- Elora basically carries Apollo to a two-man Kmart marquee out in the carpark where they’re served Jacob’s Creek Trilogy and Scotch Finger Biscuits on plastic crockery.
- After a stellar display of side boob and blatant flirting from Apollo, Elora arrives back at the Love Hut feeling very confident that he’ll ask her on a Macca’s run later that night and also that Simone has almost definitely laid nunchucks under her doona.
- Meanwhile, Little Hercules is getting turned down by blonde Sheilas left right and centre and is having a crisis of confidence and several Asahis on his own on the lawn.
- Jarrod’s finished aloe-vera-ing every bloody crevise on his snake-body anyway, so he swans over to poor Thomas with a couple of the lads and tells him they’re all going on a man date.
- The four of them make a blood oath to take this secret date to the grave to avoid compromising their masculinity, before walking hand-in-hand along the beach to a secret date location that is actually a bucket of milk and a couple of plastic chairs.
- Jarrod then ‘baptises’ the other three boys with a Wiccan spell he found on Reddit and kicks back, waiting for them all to be mauled by demonised sea turtles.
- Back at the Love Hut, Elora is wearing a do-rag to convey to Apollo that she is a woman of many layers, including cultural deafness.
- After ‘dropping a few bars’, she reveals that American Jared slipped a love letter into her bedtime mimosa last night.
- Keira then asks if she needs help translating it from Canadian English to Australian English.
- Ali and Grant then wake up from a four-day coma to say a ‘yeah cheers nice one’ to Jared for writing such a nice letter to Elora, or ‘Fyre Jugglah’’ as she now insists on being called.
- Jared is shocked and tells them to go choke on a waffle, he never wrote no love note.
- Ali then swears on her first-born child’s life that it was Simone.
- It then comes to light that it was Eden.
- Eden is halfway through reading the letter aloud to his mum on the phone when he’s confronted by half a dozen drunks who threaten to throw him in the pool if he doesn’t make it right with Fyre Jugglah.
- Eden takes Elora aside and explains that it was all a HILARIOUS prank, and if she doesn’t laugh so hard she cries about it like he did, then that’s her problem.
- The rose ceremony then kicks off and Osh makes a rare but saucy appearance on the deck to yell aloud a few numbers before fading away into the black night.
- Everyone starts pairing off before collectively melting when Tara calls up Sammy because yes love does exist, it has a messy man bun and talks like a sixty-year old roustabout.
- Elora then steps up to make the difficult decision between choosing to keep her abuser around for a couple more days, or the sad Global Model.
- Either Thomas is a convicted puppy farmer or Elora has caught a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome, because Eden is given one last chance to smash hummus into her face and abuse her vulnerability for the sake of a laugh with the boys.
- On behalf of the rest of Australia, I wish Eden all the bleach-laced mojitos in the world.
Image credit: TenPlay