Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Apparently the movement of the planets is reactivating an ‘old eclipse point’, ie. dredging up old flames who are probably going to burn you again. Do the sensible thing, PUT AWAY THE PHONE WHEN DRUNK, and practice a little self-preservation. Nothing says ‘I’m a responsible adult’ quite like replying to a 3am sext at 7am the next day, dropping in the fact that you’ve just gotten up for your daily 10km run.
Where you need to go this week: Hang on, maybe you *should* actually go for that run!
You’re seriously considering hibernating all Winter, and if you’re going to be spending more time nestled by your electric heater, wearing several layers of Uniqlo thermals, we’d recommending sprucing up your nest with some cheery home additions. Just think: All that money you’re saving by not going out definitely means you can afford that luxe cashmere blanket you’ve been craving!
Where you need to go this week: Need some inspo? Here, let us help.
Mercury, who is all about the money, is taking you on a financial adventure this week, which means you’re looking for cash in brand new places. Been thinking about sorting out that Uber license, or ebaying off those things you’ve been hoarding but never use. One man’s cash-boosting trash is another man’s treasure.
Where you need to go this week: Once you’ve separated the wheat from the chaff, drop all your excess baggage off here.
Your 12th house knows what’s up, and is staying all mighty powerful until the 22nd of July. Since your spirituality is going next level, get ready for a month of good dreams and super soothing meditation. It’s going to be a good week, Leo. Embrace the happiness and let that positivity radiate. Go on, werk that puppy snapchat filter.
Where you need to go this week: Keep those good spirits soaring with these cheap noshes.
Gemini, the stars are saying you’re in your financial peak. Congrats, boo. Better yet, when this is paired with your career strengths….KA-CHING! But don’t get ahead of yourself. Maybe don’t buy that bottle of Moet just yet. Instead, wait until you have something legit to celebrate.
Where you need to go this week: Hey big spender, here’s a place to splash your cash.
Great news, your winning streak is still going for the next few days. But as we all know, all good things must eventually come to an end. Instead of living in denial, use this week for mental prep. Get ready to see that follower count on Insta drop, you might even get unfriended by a few people on Facebook. Sorry kids. But at least we’re giving you warning, right?
Where you need to go this week: Best to hit the road and get away from here for a while.
Things aren’t looking great for you either, Virgo. Your love life is getting a bit complicated this month. Just a heads up, don’t get too clingy. It will only make things worse. We assure you. Chill out! Take a breather and focus on spending some quality time with your mates. Maybe make a Tinder Social Group to keep you occupado?
Where you need to go this week: Check out this bar with your pals to rev up some Seinfeld nostalgia.
Oh, Libra. Last month Venus was having her solstices, so that’s making things change directions a bit. Your career has been a bit unstable lately, but your social life is on the rise. Don’t be alarmed, change is good! As long as you stay positive, we're sure you’ll enjoy the ride. So grab your booze, and buckle up.
Where you need to go this week: Go feast on these scrumptious steaks to prepare yourself!
Scorpio, things are looking up! Your stars are aligning to bring you harmony and success. Mars is shacking up in your 1st house, so you’ll excel in physical strength and energy. You know what that means - you’ll be looking on fleeeeek. Congrats, this one's been a long time coming.
Where you need to go this week: Why don’t you treat yo’ self to an on-point new look? These guys can help you out.
Be honest, have you been in hibernation and packed on a few winter kilos? It’s nothing to be embarrassed about – we’re all struggling to resist those macaronuts. There’s good news though, this is the perfect time to go on a detox or health cleanse. Get those turmeric lattes and cold pressed juices at the ready.
Where you need to go this week: Here’s some juice cleanse inspo.
Alright, we think the worst is finally over for you. You’ve bravely had to tough it out for these past few weeks, and now your lucky stars will reward you for it! Things are going to start heating up in the luuurve department (about time, we say), so get ready to make the most of it. Count your blessings and praise those holy powers.
Where you need to go this week: We’ve got the perfect date idea for ya’ll.
You’ve been going along with the crowd A LOT recently, and you’re not always happiest when you do. Have a think about those bad social habits that you need to kick—yep, the ones that always appear when you’re pressured into that extra drink / night out / third doughnut of the day by your mates— and start putting some rules in place. You’ll thank yourself for it come Spring!
Where you need to go this week: Need some solo time, but also want to make an occasion out of it? Go forth and prosper, people.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Mona Chatskin and Clare Acheson. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae