Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
You absolutely hate it when people treat your sensitivity as a weakness, but now, the tables are turning and you're being the shoulder to cry on. Instead of acting like a know-it-all when it comes to sulking with a box of tissues and your favourite teary flick, give your mates a hand up. Hey, everyone has #feels.
Where you need to go this week: Save the drama for another day and go to one of these low-key hot-spots.
You've been hanging on to some old baggage that's weighing you down lately, and we don't just mean those 46 pairs of shoes lurking under your bed that you haven't worn in three years. It's time to give up on the emotional stuff that's bugging you, and get motivated about moving on. And NOTHING says 'I've moved on' quite like a new haircut...
Where you need to go this week: Get that 'new hair, don't care' attitude here.
Get off that booze wagon and start looking after yourself, pronto, Taurus. We KNOW that your answer to just about everything is to pour yourself a drink, but this month it's going to get the better of you. Instead, opt for the green smoothie kinda bevvy, no matter what your drinking buddies say.
Where you need to go this week: Actually, green smoothies are SO 2015. Check golden lattes out instead.
Leo, we’re glad to hear you’re feeling super zen this week. You’ve had a stressful couple of weeks with a lot of ups and downs, and everything was feeling a bit all over the place. But you know what they say; new week, new leaf! Not only should you keep upping that meditation, but we hear the luuurve department might be improving in the next few days as well! To maximise your zen, maybe do a juice cleanse?
Where you need to go this week: Get your healthy fix here to keep your healthiness.
It’s time to get creative, pals. We know you Geminis love communication and socialising with your peeps, so now it’s time to channel your strengths into a new hobby. There’s no point using those Snapchat geotags to show how well travelled you are if you don’t do anything exciting to back it up! Grab your mates and do a vino tour, or maybe some pottery making classes to keep you busy?
Where you need to go this week: Here’s some travel inspo for you and your pals.
Boy oh boy, we’re sorry to say things aren’t looking good for you this week. Apparently this crappy weather is reflective of your crappy mood? Or is your crappy mood reflective of this crappy weather? Either way, no one wants to see you while you’re in one of your moods. Best to keep to yourself this week, maybe start a Netflix docco.
Where you need to go this week: Home, no one should have to put up with you.
Virgo, Mercury is out of bounds for you this week. This means your normal career goals are a bit further to reach. In case there’s something bad looming around the corner, tone it down this month. Maybe stop yourself from buying those Yeezys until you’re out of this rough patch. And no, you don’t need a $12 green smoothie.
Where you need to go this week: Save your moolah and still get fed at these places.
As the planets are shifting you’re finallyyyy becoming more independent (about time). You’re slowly realising that you can’t just sit back and enjoy the ride; you have to take matters into your own hands. If there’s things in the luuurve department worth pursuing, now’s your time. Crack open that sparkling you’ve been saving – it’s time to whip out the big guns for your upcoming date.
Where you need to go this week: Out of ideas for a fancy date? Check out this new venue.
Scorpio, things are a bit mediocre for you this week. Not totally shoddy, but not exactly fab either. But there’s good news! Mars is in your 1st house all month, so your physical strength and energy are up (as is your sex appeal - finally). You know what that means, no more binge-watching Gilmore Girls. It’s time to get active. Get ready to #werk it, you da bomb.
Where you need to go this week: This is the perf place to help up your sex appeal and develop those buns of steel.
The sun is entering your 9th house, so now is the perfect time to travel and broaden your horizons! It’s also the perfect time to boost up your career. That means taking a risk in the workplace might pay off. Once you’ve had your working week of success, take a weekend getaway and reward yourself with the chiller you deserve.
Where you need to go this week: Maybe this trip will inspire you!
Capricorn, thank your lucky stars this week! Your love and social life are at their peak. So you know what that means – it’s time for dating and partying! You’re going to be a busy bee this week. So go on, grab the last of those bargains in the remaining winter sales. You need to look on fleek this week.
Where you need to go this week: This seems like the ultimate venue to hit up with your mates.
While you started the month with not a penny to your name, this week sees your luck do a u-turn, meaning that you'll be raking it in within a fortnight. And if you haven't had that promotion, maybe it's time to make your own financial luck... by doing something sensible like your tax return?
Where you need to go this week: Stay in and read this. What was that they said about get rich or die tryin'?
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Mona Chatskin and Clare Acheson. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae