Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
PISCES
Good news, guys. You’re in your peak of personal pleasure, and it’s all about doing the things you love. You know what that means – party time! Your health is also improving this week, so you really don’t have any excuse to curl up at home watching shoddy soap operas. It’s time to head out and have an adventure!
Where you need to go this week: Treat yourself with a day trip here.
ARIES
Aries, things are feeling a bit monotonous for you. You’re still holding onto a lot of those negative memories and emotional baggage. It’s time to do an Elsa and ‘let it go’, otherwise they’ll start producing negative states of mind. Turn a new leaf and move forward. Maybe it’s time to redecorate?
Where you need to go this week: This might help you declutter.
TAURUS
Have you ever heard of the phrase patience is a virtue? Use it, boo. Whether it’s with your bosses or your rents, you need to take a little more time with everyone. You’ll find taking a breather and relaxing a little will help you in all aspects of life. You might even be able to catch some of those rare Pokémon you've been trying to hunt down.
Where you need to go this week: Here’s the ultimate guide to help you with your Pokémon hunting.
LEO
We’re sensing some major laziness down your end, Leo. As the sun moves into your 1st house, your confidence is peaking and your charisma is growing as well. But there’s no point being an innate social butterfly if you’re lying in bed watching Masterchef reruns. It’s time to get out there! Pop on your comfiest sneakers and put your best foot forward.
Where you need to go this week: This place will have you looking your best.
GEMINI
Oh no, the stars are not aligning this week. You’ve had a good run up until now, but this week things are starting to crumble a bit. With your Netflix free trial finally expiring, this will be a week of hard work and redemption. Neptune is travelling south, so your career might be a bit unstable for a while. Tread carefully, Gemini.
Where you need to go this week: These pretty treats might cheer you up.
CANCER
After last week’s rollercoaster we bet you’re glad it’s a new week! Things are looking up, especially in the love department. Your days of looking for your Tinderella may finally be over, and your aching thumbs can finally recover from swiping! Focus on channelling good vibes and staying true to yourself. If you do, you’ll be moving onto dessert quicker than you can say ‘macaronut!’
Where you need to go this week: This is the perfect place for date night.
Virgo
Virgo, we know you’re a perfectionist – and that stems from you hating impurities. It is those same impurities that lead to a negative mental state and bad health. We’re giving you a heads up that some challenges may be coming your way this month, so just remember to praise your social media angels and keep those hashtags positive.
Where you need to go this week: You’ll find the perfect Insta’ shots here.
LIBRA
The thing people love about you, Libra, is your ability to create social harmony and balance. You have a strong sense of justice, and often want to instil it in those around you. But be careful not to get carried away, as your determination can often border on bossiness. If your friends don’t want to evenly split the Messina tub with you, best to just buy your own and stay away from the drama.
Where you need to go this week: This place will be sure to create happiness and fun times amongst your friends.
SCORPIO
Scorpio, enough toeing the edge of mediocrity. Time to take things up a notch! Now that your financial life has been reorganised and is stable, you can take a risk without being terrified of the consequences. Go on, send that 12th unanswered text to your crush. They obviously haven’t checked their phone. Right?!
Where you need to go this week: Here’s some more tips to help you with your finances.
SAGITTARIUS
Mercury has re-stimulated an eclipse point, which means your love life might be on the rocks this week. Get ready for crisis and drama. But instead of turning into a crazy person and checking your significant other’s profile every 2 minutes, maybe just take a step back and hang out with your mates? They’ll keep you sane.
Where you need to go this week: This place has the perfect dish for you and your friends to devour.
CAPRICORN
There’s a flu coming your way, Capricorn. Our best advice is to pump up that meditation. Maybe do some Beyyoga to keep you resilient? There’s a lot of water in your chart, so it’s easy to fall into depression without realising. When you find yourself drinking your fifth glass of Rosé, you’ve probably hit rock bottom for the week. G’luck.
Where you need to go this week: You’ll find the perfect vino to drown your sorrows here.
AQUARIUS
It’s time to make a change. There’s only so long that boring desk job will grant you the fulfilment you need. In order to truly reach your emotional fulfilment, you need to take up a new hobby. Channel that passion and make a change, Aquarius! And no, we don’t mean to your profile picture.
Where you need to go this week: You might find some inspo here.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Image Credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist