Welcome to your weekly horoscope forecast. Kinda like a weather forecast, except less Liv Nixon telling us about the likelihood of needing a brolly tomorrow and more what juicy drahmz your next seven days have in store. Read and weep, astro-fiends.
Here’s what the stars have in store for you...
Aquarius
Stop gnawing away at those poor nail beds of yours a take a f*cking chill pill, Aquarius. As the wise Doris Day says, Que Sera Sera…whatever will be, will be. *belts out tune*
Pisces
Sleep is not optional, dear Pisces. Grab some Z’s and get those tragic black bags under your eyes under control. They’re nasty.
Aries
Yeah, look. We’ve got to break it to you—the week ahead isn’t looking so crash hot. Lookout: coffees may be spilt and toes may be stubbed. Prepare to have a 2007 Brittany Spears level breakdown.
Taurus
You are due for a date night ASAP. You’ve let work get in the way of your relationship and it’s time to show bae you care. We’re thinking a bottle of red and a homemade meal… yeah maybe just UberEats it.
Gemini
It’s good news for once, Gemini. Peek outside your window and check if John Cusack is outside serenading you with a boom box. There’s love on the cards. Don’t wait for them to come to you though. Go make your own fate.
Cancer
Stop overthinking things, Cancer. You’re driving yourself insane! Grab a cup of soothing tea, book a yoga class and get centred. While you’re at it, you better cleanse with a green juice just to be safe.
Leo
You’ve been neglecting your health lately, Leo. Go book that dentist appointment because that throbbing abscess is not going to go away on its own. Yikes.
Virgo
Okay, enough slagging off. It’s time to go get a job and rescue your bank account from the negatives, man. Reality TV can wait.
Libra
It's appreciation week, Libra. Go book a table at your family’s favourite restaurant and treat them to a delicious meal. They’ve missed you! Call your gran while you’re at it. You know how she worries.
Scorpio
Pop on your runners and those new Lulu Lemon shorts, because your health kick has just begun…again. This week a whole heap of quinoa, kombucha and kimchi is on the cards. Good luck.
Sagittarius
Hold on tight, you’re in for a ride this week, Sagittarius. People are going to try to bring you down but you’re a strong independent woman so hold your head up high! Slay the haters.
Capricorn
Be brave this week, because luck is on your side. Whether it be you messaging first on tinder or even asking someone out on a date–step out of your comfort zone. It’s going to pay off.
Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist
