Welcome to another day in the life of what is ultimately a dozen amateur weightlifters sharing an Airbnb in Mallorca. So far this week we’ve been joined by Franswahz, whose parents found a Lonely Planet France edition in Kmart during their third trimester, and half a dozen stray cats who are collectively stealing the heart and attention of the island’s most sought-after fourteen-year-old—Elias.
Here are 26 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- Everyone’s got the drunk stares pretty hard at the opening of this episode.
- Particularly Grant, who’s exhausted after having felt two different emotions in one day.
- He can’t quite pinpoint what they are, but he’s frustrated that he can’t make his eyes stop ‘sweating’.
- Tayla’s having a teary in the diary room about how she was almost forced to go home and watch footage of Grant treating girls like pieces of meat.
- Erin’s out by the pool tearing strips of Eden for giving her a pastry pet name that insinuates she’s orange when she told him her tan was fake IN CONFIDENCE.
- Meanwhile, Elias is trying to woo everything with a pulse by pulling out his best YouTube-taught salsa moves.
- Franswahz is seeking dating advice from Grant because apparently she wants to find love while simultaneously turning the whole of Australia against and ruining her prospects of landing any future customer-facing career.
- Tash and Josh are having a polite chinwag about Australian geography and luxury sea vessels.
- While Millie and Franny argue about who got the highest percentage with Elias on the online love calculator.
- Elias is out on the lawn, gyrating against Millie’s pelvis under the guise of ‘yoga’ again.
- In the pool, Tash has developed a highly specific tourettes tic that involves shouting out the names of iconic Australian music artists.
- Eden then gets a text telling him to get off his ass and pop to the shops, the villa’s out of loo paper and Ritz biscuits.
- Eden then drags Erin along for vodka Fantas at a local newsagent where he repeats eleventeen times that she makes him happy.
- And she returns the favour by repeatedly mispronouncing the most common two-syllable word in the entire Spanish vocabulary—‘tapas’.
- Erin then blindly wanders around the aisles of the supermarket smelling raw vegetables and looking for ‘tapatiposs’, which the gang back at villa are pretty confident is just extra small party pies.
- After spending over 600 euros on dried meats and ‘scented’ vegetables, Erin returns to the
jailvilla to brag to the girls about how Eden’s always full of surprises, such as a heightened sense of smell and the ability to regurgitate compliments from early 2000s romcoms.
- All six boys then slice a few tomatoes and fondle some ham, then pat themselves on the back and retire to the deck chairs for the next six weeks, excused of all chores.
- Meanwhile, Elias is acting like a Sim-controlled by a horny twelve-year-old.
- In order to catch his attention for more than a minute, Millie puts on her skimpiest bikinis and tries to teach him some taichi, unfortunately, he can only give her his focus for all of four minutes before getting distracted by a Spanish grasshopper.
- During a lull in villa activities, a production intern wheels out a ‘truth bicycle’ that’s just an excuse for everyone in the house to go to bed with severe depression and a self-confidence crisis.
- On the bike, Elias confesses that he’d take Millie to the shipping container of love, much to Franny’s dismay.
- Franny then chews him out in the diary room because she hasn’t been turned down by someone since Jeremy at that traffic light party in 2002.
- Justin is in the process of sending himself a nude when he receives a text telling the gang to gather around the portable barbecue by the pool because Franny’s about the blow this whole thing wide open.
- Franswahz then makes a bloody spectacle of choosing Elias to pair up with, even though she heard on the grapevine that he reckons she has the sex appeal of an oven mitt.
- For the remaining few minutes, Elias’ undiagnosed ADHD flares up for a bit while he trays to chase a stray kitten around the pool.
- How on earth this show is still airing is beyond me.
Keep up to date with all the Love Island Australia goss here.
Image credit: 9Now