Guys, news today tells us that we could expect 50-degree days right here in Melbourne by 2040. Realistically, 30 degrees is more than hot enough. Is this what the apocalypse will look like?
When I was in primary school that was a free ticket home and an excuse to sneak into the neighbour’s pool for a while. Now that most of us are adults and don’t have the luxury of going home, here are some things you can do to survive this future ungodly heatwave.
We are nothing if not servants to the public’s happiness, freedom, and right to put their underwear in the freezer.
- Two words: Zooper. Doopers.
- Better yet, freeze wine and make icy poles.
- Catch up on your favourite Netflix series while it’s too damn hot to go outside.
- Rub ice cubes on your body, but not in a sexy way.
- Watch Frozen on repeat and dream of happier times.
- Bring back the ice bucket challenge for a day.
- Grab some floaties and go for a dip in Yarra River. Yep, we're getting that desperate.
- Fry an egg on the bonnet of your car.
- Make a slip ‘n slide at your local park and use ice cubes to, ahem, lube.
- Put your underwear in the freezer an hour before leaving the house.
- Head to the supermarket and buy as many packs of double coated Tim Tams as you can handle. Then leave out to melt so you have chocolate soup in an instant. It’s too hot to chew.
- Visit one of Victoria's hidden beaches and go for a dip.
- Hold your cat above your head and sing, Lion King style. Sun makes us loco.
- Go get your wisdom teeth out so you can sleep through this whole ordeal.
- Buy watermelon. Drill hole. Pour in vodka. Enjoy.
Image credit: James Douglas