After four days of anonymously posting comments on Troy’s Instagram profile telling him to brush his crusty molars, it’s a relief to be diving back into another week of sticking forks in my eyes while Tracey falls victim to the next stage of Stockholm Syndrome. So far, the couples show promise of becoming estranged mixed doubles partners at best, while the ‘Love Experts’ are busy making papier-mâché models of their favourite Monsters Inc characters.
Let’s hope this week brings with it a growing level of intimacy between Ryan and Nasser, and negative sixty-hundred minutes of Visionz ‘dropping bars’ in a sideways snapback.
Here are 45 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.
- My new favourite segment is the one where the couples give Dickhead Dean a verbal tongue bashing while ironing their Big W dress shirts at the start of every episode.
- Nass is clearly fluffing around in his wardrobe trying to guess what Ryan’s favourite colour is.
- Meanwhile, Gabby is sobbing into her Grill’d sweet potato fries alone on the La-Z-Boy because he hasn’t made eye contact with her in three weeks.
- Over in Gangsta’s Paradise, Cyclone Tracey is busy reciting a 70-minute medley of her favourite Michelle Obama speeches in the mirror to the soundtrack of ‘Stronger’ by Kelly Clarkson.
- She is 100% going to write ‘stay’ tonight and probably surrender her right to vote and own land while she’s at it.
- Tonight is an especially big episode for Ryan, who’s either getting the feck outta this shitshow and selling his story to New Idea, or spooning his eyeballs out of his head because he has to spend another week with Cruella Davina and her 101 condescending knee pats.
- Over at the Mince Mansion, Troy is attempting to regurgitate a veggie burger into Ash’s mouth in an aggressive display of affection that he read about in last month’s National Geographic.
- Troy is that really shit exchange student you want to send back to Germany because he keeps flirting with your mum and eating the toilet paper.
- It’s now time for all the fellas to get together over some mid-strength Heinekens and complain about not bumping uglies enough with the near-strangers that just bleached their toilet bowls.
- Except Nasser, who’s waiting for the right time to stroke Ryan’s cheek and ask him if he wants to go on a boys trip to Wet‘n’Wild.
- Back at the Wives’ Club, Ash is struggling with tonight’s impending decision. On one hand, choosing to leave would mean never having to wrap her lips around Troy’s Special Love Mince again.
- Or having her back skin folded into an origami bicycle by a man who’s probably been grating margarine on his nachos for the last thirty years.
- But on the other hand, choosing to stay would mean at least 10,000 new Instagram followers and a feature in Take5’s cryptic crossword next month.
- Over at the Love Headquarters, the Commitment Ceremony is underway and the Love Experts are reading out riddles on the back of Fantale wrappers while doing the macarena.
- Nasser is yelling at Gab to get her thumb off his side of the couch and Dean’s so red he could stop four lanes of traffic.
- First up is Sarah and Telv; the only couple who don’t hate each other’s guts and want to die.
- Sarah spends ten minutes gushing about how Telv let her clean his grotty man cave while he sits behind her giving the other boys winking finger guns over her shoulder.
- Mel stops feeding her Tamagotchi for a hot second to demand they tell her if they’ve been taking the bald-headed gnome for a stroll in the misty forest.
- Telv prattles off some heartfelt line about waiting until Sarah’s ready, but I’m honestly too distracted by his inability to maintain a basic level of hygiene to even of focus what is clearly a speech he stole from Puberty Blues.
- It should be illegal to drive a light vehicle without knowing how to operate a vacuum cleaner.
- ‘Being a bloke’ is not a good enough excuse to live in a festering pit of dead flies, I once watched a video at school about a man with no arms winning a butterfly race at his local aquatic centre.
- Dr Trish is now asking Nass and Gabby how they’re going, to which Nass screams back, ‘WE LAUGH, WE RIDE SCOOTERS, WE DO ACTIVITIES, SOMETIMES I LET HER CRY ON MY COUCH’.
- John: ‘Do you think Gab is a hotty with a body?’ Nasser: ‘I don’t like her physically or sexually, but yes, what a hornbag’.
- Gab then reveals that she wrote ‘leave’ on her Black Love Wallet in a desperate plea for affection and Nasser throws a full-blown supermarket tanty.
- After John gives him a Wizz Fizz and a bottle of Fanta, he agrees to fight for Gab this week but makes it clear he is making NO promises about next week.
- As he and Ryan might be going to Wet’n’Wild then.
- Next up is Patrick and Charlene who have the entertainment value of a 40-foot invisible yacht.
- I might skip this bit and make myself a hot Milo.
- Troy and Ash have now taken the to the couch and, after 27 hair-flicks, Mince Man announces to the group that last Tuesday he fell in love with Ash because she let him be Princess Peach on Mario Kart.
- I don’t think Troy knows what love is.
- Then again, he doesn’t know what Camembert is either.
- Ash tells the Love Experts that she’d rather be buried alive than spend another week making hand puppets in Troy’s lounge room, yet she’s scribbled ‘stay’ on her piece of paper because the year is 1835 and her dad has already given Troy his three best goats.
- Up next is Carly and Justin who together make about as much sense as cooking spaghetti bolognese without any f*cking pasta.
- Justin makes an empty promise to stop trying to show her slideshows of speedboats while she’s on the toilet and Carly pretends to believe him.
- Honestly, who are Blair and Sean and why are they cutting into my Dean and Tracey couch time??
- John would like the world to know that him and Melissa are officially out of the friend zone and kiss and a cuddle almost every night.
- Nasser vomits into his hands.
- It’s now 8:17pm and Dean and Tracey have FINALLY been called to the couch so we wind back women’s rights by another decade or so.
- The Love Experts ask Dean why he’s been such a flaming moll this entire season and he tells them it’s because on the first day of filming Ryan wouldn’t set next to him on the bus.
- Tracey yabbers on about the complex path of redemption she’s had Dean on since she found out he was sexting her best friend, and all-in-all is very happy with the progress he has made (none) which is why she will be putting herself through another week of psychological manipulation.
- Last but not least on the Commitment Couch is Davina and Ryan who are single handedly paying the school fees of every parent employed by Channel 9.
- Davina clearly has some form of residual concussion from a childhood bicycle accident as she keeps forgetting that she embarrassed Ryan on national television and that he would now ideally like to turn her skin into manbag.
- After a terrifying seven-minute interlude of Davina implying she’s going to stay, she finally opens her Black Love Wallet to reveal ‘leave’ and Ryan pissbolts out of the building, clocking Dean in the schnoz on his way out.
- I am confident Ryan will be married with four kids by Christmas.
- Hopefully tomorrow night Carly will take Justin around her neighbourhood pointing out all the three-story townhouses she doesn’t own.
Catch up on all our Married at First Sight recaps here.
Image credit: Married at First Sight Channel 9