This time of year is all about giving. The streets are crammed with people frantically searching for fitting gifts to give their friends, family and colleagues. And it’s not always easy. While there are some people for whom choosing a thoughtful gift is simple, there are many others who are so ridiculously difficult to shop for that it conjures up other feelings which are decidedly removed from the Christmas spirit. Feelings like resentment, vexation and plain old-fashioned loathing. Let’s face it, a lot of the time we end up buying gifts for people we don’t particularly like or even enjoy the company of just to avoid social backfire.
So in the spirit of good fun, and to help relieve some of that tinsel-induced tension, we’ve created a passive-aggressive gift guide to help you be an undercover asshole this year. Please note that these suggestions are intended to be sarcastic and slightly humorous. We acknowledge that there is a fine line between passive aggression and pure aggression. But if you’re ready to discreetly tell someone what’s wrong with them and throw more shade than a sycamore tree on a summer’s day, carry on.
Here are some emotionally-loaded gifts that will bring new meaning to the phrase, “Oh my, you shouldn’t have.” Onwards, you son of a bitch.
1. For the flaky friend who always cancels or turns up late: A diary or calendar with a card that says, ‘Time you got one of these!’
2. For the sloppy drunk who spills red wine everywhere: A TraVino wine sippy cup.
3. For the bearded hipster whose facial hair could hide a small barnyard: A shaving set, and a multivitamin to help him man up without facial hair.
4. For the Instagram addict: Photo frames.
5. For the Instagram adverse: Life On Instagram.
6. For the 90s-obsessed friend who claims to love EVERYTHING from that era: A Limp Bizkit CD.
7. For the friend with special dietary requirements: Famous Five Go Gluten-Free.
8. For the annoying f**cker who texts exclusively in emojis: A pile of shit—in pillow form.
9. For the loved-up friend who always chimes in with their opinion on your single life: A set of wind-chimes so they can maybe get it out of their system without leaving the house.
10. For the single friend who you really think needs to settle down: A copy of Amy Schumer's Trainwreck.
11. For the person you may or may not be dating: A game of Charades, because who can tell when these charades will ever end?
12. For the colleague who ‘just can’t function’ without their morning coffee: A gift card for T2.
13. For the evangelical cyclist: A voucher for a spin class, or a gift card from a petrol station.
14. For the pretentious literary snob: A Guinea Pig Oliver Twist—or the Fifty Shades trilogy by E. L. James.
15. For the ex you’re still friends with but only barely: A trio of outdated DVDS with passive-aggressive titles like 10 Things I Hate About You, Cruel Intentions and Clueless.
16. For the crazy-as-a-coconut relative: An actual fruitcake.
17. For the emo teenage cousin: Something aggressively cheerful, or a black t-shirt that succinctly sums up their attitude like this one.
18. For the housemate who never does their share of the housework: A talking toilet paper holder that reminds that lazy f**cker to replace the roll.
19. For the sophisticated fashionista: A t-shirt customised with an in-joke that doesn’t make sense out of context.
20. For the footy fanatic: Expensive memorabilia from the wrong team.
21. For the parents of toddlers: A triangle or a recorder—you’re simply cultivating their child’s interest in music!
22.For the travel bore: This t-shirt.
23. For the grandparent who thinks that society has gone to hell in a handbasket: Yoko Ono’s six-CD box set, ‘Onobox’, or an autobiography written by an 18-year-old YouTuber.
24. For the ‘kooky’ friend who thinks their weird fashion choices are ‘brave: A sun bonnet.
25. For the tech-head: Hiking socks.
26. For the main person you report to at work: The Do-It-Yourself Therapy Book.
27. For the office grinch: A jar of humbugs, because bah humbug.
28. For the e-cigarette enthusiast: A stylish tobacco pouch.
29. For the hardcore vegan: A sassy coffee cup that cuts to the chase.
30. For the committed carnivore: An ‘I Love Tofu’ t-shirt.
31. For the friend that drags you to the gym and is way fitter than you: A box of 10 donuts from Short Stop.
32. For the muso friend in an indie band: A guitar tuner.
33. For the literal Netflix-and-Chiller: A FitBit.
34. For the anti-capitalist friend who claims they’re an anarchist but never actually does anything: Everyone Calls Themselves An Ally Until It Is Time To Do Some Real Ally Shit.
35. For the aspiring writer: A keychain for the house they’ll never own.
36. For the Harry Potter obsessive: A Hufflepuff scarf (ooh, burn).
37. For the office grammar freak: This coffee cup.
38. For the right-wing nutjob: A biography of Paul Keating.
39. For the left-wing nutjob: A biography of Malcolm Turnbull.
40. For the wannabe artist: An adult colouring-in book.
41. For the colleague who is incessantly clicking their pen: A unclickable friggin’ fountain pen.
42. For the better-looking sibling: An anti-aging skincare kit, like this one with a card that says, ‘Sorry I’m aging better than you are.’
43. For the colleague with questionable personal hygiene: The ‘Maybe You Touched Your Genitals’ hand sanitiser.
44. For the family member who keeps asking when you’re going to have children: A baby doll, or if you really want to mess with their head, a troll doll.
45. For the perpetual plant killer: An accusatory-looking cactus.
46. For the colleague who complains they don’t feel supported or listened to: A USB Pet Rock so that they can finally feel like they have a rock in the office.
47. For the everyday run-of-the-mill jerk: The Everything Etiquette Book: A Modern-Day Guide to Good Manners.
48. For the parent who is disappointed with your life choices: When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives.
49. For the Sydneysider: Anything from The Melbourne Shop.
50. For the person you really, truly loathe: A Nickelback t-shirt.
Need some gifts that are actually useful? Check out our ultimate gift guide, or if you need something for your pet we've got you covered here.
Image credit: Kogan