Funny

Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Resolutions

By Steph Lenehan - 27 Dec 2016



Hopefully you’ve had a delightful holiday season that didn’t involve family lunch resembling The Hunger Games. The new year is upon us and sorry, but your resolution of going to the gym everyday (that you’ve failed to do 3 years straight) just isn’t fooling anyone anymore.

Pisces

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Make new friends!

No offence, but those two friends from high-school, one workmate and significant other are not enough. Since Tinder is not designed for making friends why not try, say, real life?

Where you need to go: Share a friendly drink or seven here.

Aries

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Expand your flavour palate!

You are determined that no-one will ever get you to like anything but your standard order, but you live in Melbourne in 2017, a plethora of the most amazing cuisines ever! Time to overlook the Pad Thai’s and Butter Chicken’s of the menu and try the unpronounceable goodness that you’ve been missing out on!

Where you need to go: This place is full of taste.

Taurus

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Be besties with your own body!

This is not an ‘I’ll exercise and eat better’ cop-out, this is a promise to chill out and do stuff that opens your eyes to how great your body looks and feels, even though your skin always seems dry and your back is always sore.  

Where you need to go: The ultimate chill here.

Gemini

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Break a record!

This one is a goodie. Take this any way you so wish. Go to an op-shop pick out an album that no-one will miss and just smash it. Or, more likely, set a new PB in something. Consuming the most chicken wings, downing the most shots or trying every single donut there is to try.

Where you need to go: Find your high score here.

Cancer

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Become a master!

If you’re sick of going into a restaurant and ordering the house red or pretending you know the difference between a Sav Blanc and Pinot Grigio now is the time to become the ultimate wine connoisseur. Pro tip: Also works for whisky and gin.  

Where you need to go: Swirl your glass, sip then spit (maybe not) here

Leo

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Get your smart on!

Whisky in one hand and Oscar Wilde in the other. Bonus points if you can supply your own monocle.

Where you need to go: This book store also serves whiskey.

Virgo

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Be more interesting!

Yes, the restaurant down the road does do the best noodle dishes and you can always get a table when your friends visit. But let's face it, it's time to put some wow-factor into your meals.

Where you need to go: This place has meals worth talking about.

Libra

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Stop sounding like you’re a tourist or worse, from Sydney.

This is kind of applicable to all you Melburnians that still go to franchises or think that any coffee is better than no coffee. 

Where you need to go: Get to know the ins and outs of Melbourne.

Scorpio

Your New Year’s Resolution is: See more of Melbourne.

The view from a roof top bar can show you the most of Melbourne without transport. Drinking and sight-seeing while sitting. #yesplease

Where you need to go: The best views. The best booze. This should help.

Sagittarius

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Get out of town

If you don’t even know the difference between Warrnambool and Wangaratta you are more than due for a road trip.

Where you need to go: This should help.

Capricorn

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Drink less*

*crappy drinks. You don’t need to settle for goon and orange juice anymore. Don’t suffer through the bloated bellies of beer and cider, not when you can have cocktails that look fancy and taste like happiness in a frosted glass with a salted rim.

Where you need to go: Right here for cocktails done right.

Aquarius

Your New Year’s Resolution is: Start being financially responsible

This includes not wasting those dollar bills on cheeky Nando’s or greasy pot-drinking souvlakis. This means spending your hard earned wage on proper meals of every cuisine and texture.

Where you need to go: Many taste; much greatness here.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

Our best stories, direct to your inbox, helping you to out-trend your mates every weekend...

You May Also Like