Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By James Shackell
26th Sep 2017


Love, money, career, relationships – if you believe that your life is controlled by giant balls of gas rotating billions of miles away, you’ll want to keep reading. We’ve checked the stars, done a few calculations (...drunk a few mimosas) and worked out what you’re *really* in for this week. It doesn’t get more science than that.

Ready to peek into the shadowy world we call the future? Let’s do this.


The sun is moving into your success chart, probably due to rising carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere. This either means you’re a small Pacific island, or you’re gonna kill it at work this week. Take a few risks, put yourself out there, and climb that corporate ladder.    

Business brunch? We know just the place. Prahran’s new Lillie Espresso.


A mate will say something that ticks you off, but try not to let it show. Bury the rage deep down inside so it explodes randomly when people least expect it. The worm will turn on Thursday anyway—lucky Jupiter will bring you a blast of inspiration. Better keep a pencil on standby for any good ideas.

Speaking of good ideas. Did you hear Belleville’s doing Sunday fried chicken brunch?


You’ve been stuck in a rut for too long, Pisces. Time to make a change. If you’re single, go mingle. If you’re in a relationship, sit down and have an honest chat about where things stand and how much it annoys you when they put the milk back in the fridge with, like, two sips left in there.

Need a little inspo? We found 9 places in Melbourne that’ll get you thinking the big thoughts.


We double checked the stars, Aries, but there’s no mistake. This week you’re gonna meet your soul mate. They’ll be smoking hot, hilarious and totally into...whatever it is you’re into. If you’re already in a loving, long-term relationship, Jupiter sends its congrats.

Sounds like romance is in the cards for you this week. Better get the flowers to match.


Keep your wits about you this week, Taurus. Not only are your finances looking shaky, you’re gonna start seeing an old friend differently. You know, *differently*. Don’t make us draw you a picture. We recommend a cold shower and a good accountant.

Need to pinch some pennies? Here’s where you can eat for under $10 bucks.   


Do you ever slow down, Leo? Your flatmates haven’t seen you in so long they’re beginning to think you have a second life as an ASIO spy. Might be time to say ‘no’ to a few invitations and indulge in some quality couch time. Don’t hog the remote though: Neptune suggests that’s a bad move.

Spoiler alert: here’s everything you should be watching and reading this month.


Those creative juices are flowing, Gems, but don’t get carried away. You’ve got a tendency to start things, tell people how great the things are, then sit on the couch and watch Meg Ryan movies while eating cheese straight from the block. Break the pattern: try something new, and keep it to yourself.

Want to learn a new skill? We’ve got you covered.


Mercury and Saturn are all over you this week. This either means you’re gonna get sucked into an alternate reality, live there for 50 years, then emerge in the real world as if no time has passed...OR....there’s gonna be a breakthrough at work. We’re not sure. We’ll check again.

Want to suss out that whole magical reality thing? You need to make a bee-line for Storyville, Melbourne’s new fairy tale cocktail bar.


This is the week you get your shit together. Life admin, we’re talking ‘bout you. Bills? Pay ‘em. Mafia creditors? Definitely pay them. Dirty apartment? Get cleaning. Just tackle each problem one at a time (maybe start with those mafia guys, they don’t mess around). Soon you’ll be adulating like a pro.

Do you have your life together? Here’ a super scientific checklist to find out.


It’s been ages since you saw the old gang. Whatever happened to life balance, Libra? Friendships don’t just happen. They require more maintenance than a 2009 Volkswagen Golf (and that’s a LOT of maintenance). Better book in a girls’/guys’ night, pronto.

Need an excuse? The Pie Shop is throwing an epic tinnie, pie and pooch party.


This week’s all about balancing the public and the private. Don’t feel pressure to go out EVERY night, but don’t become a social hermit either (if you’re on the couch and you spill hummus on yourself, then eat the hummus, then wonder if you should have eaten the hummus, it’s time to go out).

The sun seems to be shining. A day trip to one of Victoria’s wineries will get you off the couch.


Verbal Mercury and meticulous Saturn are on a collision course this week, which means you’re gonna say something awkward. It’s gonna be embarrassing and horrible and there’ll be this big silence afterwards and...yeah. There’s not much you can do, Sagittarius. Just roll with the punches.

At least you can avoid one thing: accidental passive aggressive email responses

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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