We’d love to be the bearers of good news this week, but it looks like the stars are out to get you. Must be all that shade you’re throwing. Better grab that wheel and turn the karma bus around—go volunteer with kittens or something. You need to get the universe back on side.
Buckle up, here’s what you’re *really* in for this week.
Betrayal is in the wind, Aries. You don’t know who and you don’t know where, but someone is going to go full GoT Red Wedding on your arse this week (well, maybe not that bad—they might just steal credit for a Power Point presentation or drink the last of the almond milk, but still, ouch).
Good thing you can rely on Melbourne’s food scene eh? This week’s monstrosity: Sushrittos.
Nothing’s going right for you this week, Taurus. You lost that important thing, you couldn’t remember the name of the guy in the place, and lately you’ve been having trouble finishing sen–. The good news is, your luck’s about to turn. Just hang in there seven more days, and try not to break anything.
Your luck may be improving already. Melbourne Dumpling Festival just announced its new line-up.
Mercury is retrograding all over your house this week, Gems. That means anything technological is going to turn to shit. Backup any essays, files, novellas or photos of your ex – something’s gonna crash. Sad Mac.
Technology might fail you, but Monopoly doesn’t need batteries. Check out Melbourne’s new board game bar when things go dark.
Paranoia strikes deep. Into your life it will creep. Try to keep your eyes on the prize this week, Cancer. That shifty guy in the coat? He’s just cold. Don’t let the paranoia get to you (except for the government tracking your thoughts using Pokemon Go, that sh*t is real).
A sunrise will turn that frown upside down. Here’s where to find the best in Melbourne.
Avoid animals this week, Leo. The charts are saying you will either be attacked by one lion or thirty pigeons (our calculator broke down – it could go either way). Needless to say the Zoo is out. Better stick to human company.
When you get the puppies back on side, head down to Port Melbourne’s Howl-o-Ween Festival.
Keep that credit card well hidden, Virgo. Your fashion eye is WAY off this week. Bell bottoms? What were you thinking? Better hold off shopping until Saturn comes back into orbit. Until then you’re a walking fashion crime.
If you need help, MECCA just dropped a huge new line-up. Could be worth a look.
Libra, sorry to tell you, but you’re heading for a workplace spat. Who knows why. It could be the toast crumbs you’re always leaving in the kitchen, or someone using the word ‘juxtapose’ when they really didn’t have to. Either way, conflict is on the cards.
Might be worth calling in sick and telling the Stars to shove it. While you’re on the couch, here’s what you should be watching.
Someone’s got a crush on you, Scorpio. But it’s not the person you’re thinking of right now (sorry). It’s the colleague who stares at you creepily from over their monitor while you eat Saladas at your desk. True love? Let’s wait and see.
If you and McCreepy end up on a date, make it here. They’ve got Nutella pasta.
We know you want to get back to nature, Sag. But let’s face it, you’re no Bear Grylls. A hike gone wrong will leave you with a sprained ankle (or possibly running from a bear, the stars weren’t clear). Either way, it’s probably best to stick to watching Into The Wild on Stan.
If you insist on going outside, these are the campsites you’re gonna want to try. Perfect for wilderness newbies.
Didn’t your Mum ever tell you it was rude to lie, Caps? Stick to the truth this week, because no matter how small, you’re gonna get busted. And it’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable. If the truth is only gonna get you in more trouble, just say nothing and stare at the person really hard. They’ll probably go away.
Time to take a good hard look at yourself...in Melbourne’s creepy new House Of Mirrors.
Whatever happened to youth? Remember those summers that’d last forever? And you’d ride for miles, just to tell someone that you’d seen a frog. Yep, you went and got old Aquarius. It happens to us all. Still it’s not all bad. You can buy booze now.
Reckon you’re over being young? Take the test and find out.
Get your taxes together, Pisces, you’re due for an audit. We’re sure those Uber rides were ‘work-related’ (even the ones back from Revs at 3am last Saturday), but the ATO isn’t. Time to find a Better Call Saul-level accountant. The taxman is coming for you...
Lucky you’ve got us, you little tax criminal you. Here’s the tax guide for people with NFI.
Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist