Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Greta Waters
7th Nov 2017


The charts have spoken. In light of Melbourne Cup week, Listers, we've been ordered by the Higher Powers to take the day off. Nothing says 'universe has got your back' like a four day weekend. 

Thank the stars for a slow start to the week. Here are some tips on what the next fw days are *really* looking like.  


Gems, you are known for your brutal honesty (and ability to sniff out the closest chippie). The stars are begging you to think before you speak—carry some of today's Zen into those shenanigans lined up for the rest of the week.

How do you feel about swapping the hot chips for an adventure walk?


Bend and snap, Cancer. This iconic move worked for Elle Woods so why can’t it work for you? If you try it out, the universe is promising some (well-deserved) attention from your crush. Hot tip: don’t drop anything that’s delicate – it won’t be cute when it shatters all over the ground, AND don’t forget to smile.

For the perfect “bend” hit the Bayside Food Truck Fiesta for a cheeky puppy pat.


Leos, we sense you're feeling a bit lost. You’ve got your paws in a (lost) cause and it’s affecting your aura of awesomeness. Go with your gut, a good life spring cleaning is nearly as sweet as the waffles from your fave local.  

Fancy joining a cult for a night…yolo?


Howdy, Virgo’s! You’re sick of being the third wheel, but you love your best friend too much to break the news that her new boyfriend is a total loser. As long as you stay out of it, the universe will kindly sort out the rest. 

Bite your tongue (and some juicy American BBQ) at Melbourne's new all-American BBQ joint.


Okay Libs, we’ve got some bad news… a big fat s**t storm is heading your way and there’s really not much you can do about it. We’ve only got one pearl of wisdom to pass on this week – lay low. 

Escape it style: UberBOAT and UberCHOPPER have you sorted.


Scorpios, it seems an old flame is wanting to reconnect. We can’t tell if it’s your devil ex or that office fling rearing its head again. The charts are suggesting you apply your fave Insta filter to real life, filter out the BS and block out those h8rs.

Speaking of haters, check out this new giant mural of Donald Trump.


Sags, a new week means a new you – it’s time for you to actually start that thing you told everyone you were doing on Monday. We won’t tell anyone you’re a day late—just do it! You can't succeed if you don’t try.

We didn’t want to mention the word 'diet', but the #fitspo stars told us swapping butter for olive oil is a good start.


Caps, it’s that time of the year. Uni exams are in full swing and your boss has told you three times to smile more (before your coffee run as well, the audacity!!). The charts are telling you to go into hibernation *yawn* but we think you need to blow off some steam to make room for all that productivity.

Every night out should involve Twenty Pho Seven, don't you reckon? 


Aquarians, the world is your oyster, and the charts are disappointed that you aren’t taking the opportunities Melbourne has to offer. Test your boundaries and the universe will reward you with money, sex and food. In that order. 

Reward number one: unlimited baby animal cuddles.


Pisces, there is nothing more bizarre when two worlds collide. The charts are calling it the week of double meaning. Keep your eyes and mind open; if you want to keep the world of friends and new fling separate, you’re going to have to do more than losing that invite in the mail.

Witness the delicious collision of spicy kimchi and oozy cheddar here.


Aries, that big mouth of yours is going to get you in a lot of trouble if you don’t start speaking some truth. If you don’t stop gossiping you might wake up with a (metaphorical) knife in your back or (even worse) an astrological kick in the ass.

Make amends with a Doritos and bacon burger at The Provincial Rooftop.


Taurus, your FOMO is getting out of control. Stop checking the explore page of your Insta feed and focus that energy into your career. Hard work never goes unnoticed, neither does a sweet paycheque. The charts are sensing dolla dolla bills yo!   

With some of that hard earned cash why not splurge on some vegan treats.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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