Funny

Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Kate Bartels - 29 Jan 2018


Will it be money? Love? Will you score an UberEATS discount code? We've got all the big answers this week, guys. 

Our advice is to never upset the universe—it can be preeeety brutal if it wants to be. So sit down, strap yourself in and listen up as we tell you what’s *really* written in the stars this week.

Aquarius

Unfortunately, the hot weather has gotten to the people around you, and you’re gonna have some pretty heated arguments this week. We recommend staying out of it though—take a walk home instead and pump out those frustrations. If the temptation of a quarrel gets the better of you, just blame it on being the sassy little Aquarius that you are. 

Pisces

We know we could literally take 100% of the blame for you being constantly broke and never in shape (sorry, not sorry) but this week the universe wants you to hone in the cocktails and the burgs. By all means, treat yo self—just don’t go overboard.

Aries

It’s no secret that your usual gym routine is probably thrown out by the disgusting weather we've been having (it's basically only good for frosty fruits and friends with pools). So this week it’s (unfortunately) time to get back on that horse. Good news though Aries, there’s signs of some serious coin in the stars for you.

Taurus

This week you’ve got the charms of Venus and the sun working in your favour, making you extra charming and irresistible. That means it's a great week to use your ASSets to your advantage and help push certain agendas. You might find yourself in the limelight this week too, so brush up on your Insta poses and don’t forget your fave MAC lip shade.

Gemini

Hello, feisty little nuggets. This week we have one challenge for you—keep a lid on it and try your very best to keep your opinions to yourself. We can see you rolling your eyes, but trust us on this one. Upsetting the stars is the last thing you want to do. If you’re good this week, there’s some sort of tropical vacay on the cards for you.

Cancer

Things are looking lucky for you this week, Cancers. Finally! You should either enter one of those multi-million dollar lotteries or buy a ton of Bitcoin. Whatever you decide, it'd be wise to spread the love (read: the sweet cash) to keep the cosmos happy and the good vibes rolling. We think a round of Cosmopolitans is in order.

Leo

If bae wakes up on the wrong side of the bed this week, try not to let it get the better of you (or throw a tantrum). Remember, not everything is about you— the cosmos recommend taking your morning coffee to go and giving them some space to cool off. Maybe suggest you’ll cook dinner tonight...or at least shout UberEATS.

Virgo

It’s time to stop avoiding all responsibilities and get s**t done.  We know that the hot balmy nights are good enough to make you forget you have a life away from rooftop bars, but the universe is begging you to snap out of it. Put the savvy b down and go to a pilates class.

Libra

Time to stop the FB essays and keep the #blessed Insta posts to a minimum—your friends are o.v.e.r it. All the stars say your successes are going to your head, and people have had enough of seeing it all over your feed. We know what you’re thinking (“jealous much?”) but just for a little while, give it a rest. 

Scorpio

Uh oh, your tinder date hasn’t called you back They haven’t even opened your Snapchat. (We know, they were pretty easy on the eyes). Pretty or not, it’s best to not plan an accidentally-on-purpose run in at the local coffee shop. They aren’t worth it. Grab some mates and head out instead.

Sagittarius

You are killing 2018, Sagi’s, but remember—slow and steady wins the race. You don’t want to use all the gas in the tank before the year has even started. This week, chill out and settle in on the couch. Netflix and chill never sounded so good.

Capricorn

Does “new year, new me” sound familiar? Give it up, Capricorns. Those 5am gym sessions are doing nothing accept tiering you out. You rock the way you are, so take this week to grab a giant slice of cheesecake, sleep in and forget you ever knew what HITT meant.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

Our best stories, direct to your inbox, helping you to out-trend your mates every weekend...

Tags:

Funny

You May Also Like