Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Gen Phelan
5th Mar 2018


You’ve completed approximately 10 zodiac compatibility tests this week alone. Whether you’re scoring 93%’s and have commenced collaging wedding mood boards, or simply refuse to accept the low percentile results on the screen, it’s time to check back in with No.1.

Here’s what the stars have schemed for you this week. Head’s up, it’s scandalous stuff.


It’s imperative that you make an actual move, Aquarius, because bravado is only worth so much. Cut the crap, halt the smoke and mirrors, and fess up to what you’ve been dying to say for a while now.


You’re gonna feel a pang of guilt this week for avoiding your responsibilities. Whether you forgot to take the bins out for the third week running or you’ve been putting off vaccinating the dog, GET THAT SH*T DONE. You’ll feel better for it.


You’ve got a burgeoning case of Date Phobia on your hands, Aries. Just coz you spilt coffee on yourself and were awkward about splitting the bill last time, it doesn’t mean chivalry is dead. Get back out there, you good thing.


How the flipping hell is it March already?! You’re frantically searching for explanations as to why this year’s resolutions haven’t been actioned. Time isn’t going to stop for you, Taurus. It’s time to play catch-up.


Get organised, Gems. At the bottom of that catastrophic chair-drobe in the corner of your room is the pair of jeans you’ve been trying to find for the past two weeks. It’s time for a little housekeeping. Clear your space, clear your mind.


Resilience is a plant to water, Cancerians. If you’ve seen a few setbacks lately, don’t be so quick to throw in the towel and have a tanty. When the going gets tough, you’ve just got to get tougher. You got dis.


Pens down, Leos. It’s time for a little old-fashioned fun after your bout of full-time hustling lately. The saying isn’t work hard, work hard. You’ve gotta start prioritising some play.


Stress less. It sounds easy enough, right? It just seems a lot more natural to blow things up to monumental proportions. Know this: whatever's worrying you right this second, it'll mean zero in a few weeks’ time.


As Honey Boo Boo Child put it, a dolla indeed makes us holla. You’re on-track to achieve those intense savings targets right now, and it’s more crucial than ever to resist temptation. Sacrifice that ridiculously-overpriced cocktail for some satisfying goal-kicking.


You’ve had thoughts along the lines of 'Damn, why did I never take up bobsledding?' when watching the Winter Olympic Games in excess. It’s not too late to nurture a forgotten interest, or finally enrol yourself in that ukulele class you’ve wanted since Riptide first hit the radio.


Your Berocca supplies are depleting, fast. It’s time to slow down, Sags, and focus on some reading in the bath, chocolate binging and snuggly drive-in cinema stints. Changing the pace to slow mo’ is the stars’ call to order.


If you’re not happy with someone or something, speak your mind this week. We’re prescribing a playlist continuum of Shania Twain’s That Don’t Impress Me Much. (Tune). Stop shying away from honesty, because no one likes a bullsh*t artist.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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