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Horoscopes: Your (Un)believable Year Ahead

By Steph Lenehan - 03 Jan 2017

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You will notice it is officially 2017. What you may not notice is that kids born in 2000’s are starting to graduate. 20 whole years have passed since the first Harry Potter book came out. And finally, it is officially one decade since Britney’s meltdown. But don’t let that get you down. To help you out, we looked so far into the future that this post had gone multi-platinum. It had outsold Michael Jackson.

Pisces

Your epic New Year’s will result in a hangover so deadly that even Zach Galifianakis is worried about you. So, your New Year will actually begin around February 25th where you will shake off 2016 by ditching your Taylor-Swift-like scandals, removing squad, bae and lit from your vocab and you will finally stop ordering Matcha products! You will face challenges on August 5th when you forget your sister-in-law’s birthday. But by the time New year’s swings around again you will have forgotten all of this anyway, so that’s something.

Aries

March 22nd, you will make the executive decision to start adding extra chocolate-chips to your pancakes. There are big travel plans around April 20, just in time to pretend that the different time zone means it’s not your birthday yet. May 1st proves to be a pretty shitty day, so make sure you hit up the bottle-o beforehand. Luckily everything is smooth sailing from here, especially because the boss will be out of town in July so you can bring sushi to the office, leave it there, quit your job and move to Mexico.

Taurus

Your stars are hazy this year and that’s because you’ll be living in a completely different hemisphere. A quick trip overseas where you’ll meet a stranger at a hostel who offers you a job in marine biology. It won’t work out; but you’ll have some pretty funny stories. Start saving your dollar-dollar bills, because on May 10th a huge financial thingamabob will occur. By September 1st you’ll have an amaze new haircut and be ready for Mercury’s know-it-all attitude.

Gemini

Your ‘you-do-you’ attitude will prove to be successful until an Ill-advised tattoo choice will remain forever on your ribcage. But that’s okay. March 29th promises a new love interest or new fave TV series, it’s unclear. By the end of August job offers will be pouring in even though you’re still studying or they pay in ‘experience’.

Cancer

On January 22nd, you will discover that you like sun-dried tomatoes and you will literally break a bone rushing to get to every nearby restaurant to try it in every dish. October 20th will see your relationship take a step so big that Machu Picchu will be like damn. And not to give anything away or anything, but yes, we will be godparents. xo

Leo

In late January, Venus will be floating around like the smell of a garlic focaccia at the next table, which is an excellent metaphor for wanting what you can’t have (which will also happen at this time). On July 27th you’ll lose something really important, a phone? Dignity? Not sure. But it’s a real game-changer. You will be forced to get creative to hold onto things. Start with the sunglasses you always seem to lose by adding a neck-strap, sure people will ask if you’re 86 and about to go fishing but you’ll have the last chuckle.

Virgo

April 1st will bring a close friend telling you that you have something in your teeth. Which, unbeknownst to anyone else will begin a lifestyle change. You’ll finally say goodbye to those guilty-pleasure reality shows and try something new. But, crazily enough, this will only last four or five days. September 27th will bring a much-needed shopping frenzy, we’re sure you have room for that vintage pinball machine.

Libra

Your brutal honesty has gotten you where you are today, but on the 7th of September you’ll say the wrong thing to your waiter or boss or stranger on the street and the repercussions will be nasty. In a completely different note, on the 8th of September, you’ll be moving in with a family member. On September 9th you will be treated to a movie for eating all of your vegetables.

Scorpio

It’s 2017, what are you doing with that loser, still-gets-mum-to-do-their-laundry, doesn’t-know-your-favourite-movie, definitely-not-the-better-half lover you’ve been with for 2 years? Get lost. Literally drive to Wodonga for all we care! If you ignore this advice you’re in for a shocking Wednesday afternoon in mid-February. You’ll be rewarded in September for standing up for yourself and your neighbours lime tree will flourish meaning you have cocktail garnishes for days.

Sagittarius

Discombobulation is a real word and is actually spelt like that. Speaking of confusion, have you ever wondered if poodles like their curly hair? This year is going to be a mad and wonderful mess for you. Be cautious of days that have the number 6 in them and also of your co-worker Ben, we think he has it out for you. The 25th of March will be as strange as a monkey saying ‘will you marry me’ (google it ASAP) but hopefully after that the weirdness will mellow a bit and you can get on with your life.

Capricorn

Hey Capricornigos, you are more than just an unusual mental picture of capsicum and corn, you are the great, horned goat. Set to accomplish worlds of amazing things, but, like, have you? Sorry not sorry but Mars is going to give you one heck of a push on the 13th of November because you’ve wasted another bloody year looking up cat videos or Game of Thrones. Get it together. Also, while I’m at it, go visit a friend in need on the 14th of February because your significant other is at the Guns N’ Roses concert.

Aquarius

You, my friend, are going to have the best year out of all the star signs. And not just because this will act as a placebo like on Harry Potter when Ron thinks he drinks the Liquid Luck. Nah, you’ll actually have a ripper. The 3rd of March will settle out that big problem you’ve been having and, of course, that huge troubling work matter will be taken care of by July 16th. While you’re on a streak you will choose to see a fortune teller. And since that’s obviously all made up, the stars will turn their back on you for the remainder of the year. When that happens look here, and read the following sentence:
We. Told. You. So.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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