Ain’t no party like a staff Christmas party, coz a staff Christmas party ain’t cost a cent. Keep an eye out for these idiots:
#1 Neil, who’ll fire you if you don’t do the Nutbush.
Neil’s the branch manager and tonight he’s missing his daughter’s seventh birthday to be here at the staff Christmas party, but like he told Sharon this morning in the kitchen, he’ll bloody well go if he wants to. In his down time, Neil enjoys swearing at people on the phone, complaining about the terrible Wi-Fi, re-enforcing gender norms and announcing his job title when greeting retail staff. When Neil’s not giving shit to the boys for drinking light beers tonight, he’ll be ignoring calls from his wife and dragging various female employees onto the dance floor.
#2 Trish, who spends the whole night adding videos to her Snap Story.
Trish recently got promoted from ‘receptionist’ to ‘administrative assistant’ in the office and is celebrating tonight by insisting ‘drinks are on me’ even though the company’s already paid for everything. Trish exclusively wears Tokito branded pencil skirts and wraparound blouses from the Myer Basement, she drives a white Volkswagen Polo her parents gave to her as a graduation present last year. Her Instagram description is “24 | Melb | Single | Add me on Snapchat: Trishangel48” and she spends sixty percent of her time at work counting down the days until her girls trip to Bali.
#3 Damien, who is contractually obligated to make an appearance.
Damien is the company CEO, and though he’s usually based interstate, he made an effort to be here tonight because Tina from HR says it’s important to promote an inclusive office culture. Damien is quite affronted by the level of alcohol intake here this evening, but he learnt in a Ted Talk about leadership Tina posted on Linkedin last month that making employees feel comfortable in the workplace is critical to staff morale. When Damien’s not demanding to know why cashiers won’t take American Express, he getting tech lessons from his grandchildren and paying bills over the phone.
#4 Olivia, who calls the babysitter every forty minutes.
Olivia has technically been on maternity leave for the past two and a half months, which hasn’t stopped her from bringing the baby into the office no less than twice a week. When Olivia’s not at home collecting mothering tips from Bec Judd’s Instagram, she’s uploading Flipagrams to Facebook titled ‘Addie has her first glass of water’, colour-matching her active wear with the new stroller, and enrolling her at elite private schools she read about in New Idea. This evening she has shown a time-lapse of her post-baby weight loss progress to no less than thirty people.
#5 Jack, who’s drinking a salary’s worth of Fruit Tingles.
Jack has been interning at the company for six months now, and while he’s not being financially reimbursed for his time, he spends most afternoons eating a salary’s worth of Scotch Finger biscuits at his desk. When Jack’s not at the office, he’s watching lectures on double time at home, aggressively challenging family members to table tennis matches and looking up how to stop his mum from seeing photos he’s tagged in on Facebook. Tonight he’s wearing his best Tommy Hilfiger stretch cotton shirt and is determined to drink the company into the floor.
#6 Dave, who’s eating all the sausage rolls.
Dave is going out with Kelly from accounting and made a last minute decision to come tonight because he figured out how to tape Survivor on the TV. Dave is a semi-professional footballer whose profile picture is a homemade meme from 2014. When he’s not commenting “is this the broad you keep talking about Gaz??” on his mates’ Facebook friendships, he’s eating four packets of Mi Goreng at a time and asking his sister if he can go in on a Christmas present for their mum the day before Christmas. Dave’s on the waters tonight because Kelly said if he doesn’t start any fights, she’ll pay for the Uber home.
#7 Josephine, who keeps playing Little Mix’s “Shout Out to My Ex”.
Josephine is a Junior Account Executive who recently broke up with her boyfriend of four months. Though she told the girls she won’t let it ruin her night, she’s been drinking Pinot Grigio at her desk since 3pm and has spent the last forty minutes in the bathroom in a fight with Siri over whether or not it’s going to rain tomorrow. In her down time, Josephine enjoys bidding for Michael Kors handbags on eBay, posting throw-backs to her gap year in Europe four years ago on Instagram, and looking for Matty J on Tinder. Behind closed doors, Josephine has the most extensive Beanie Kid collection in the Southern Hemisphere.
Image Credit: Bustles