Funny

We’ll Tell You What Car You Drive By Which Melbourne Suburb You Live In

By Millie Lester - 27 Sep 2017


You can tell a lot about a person simply by knowing where they live. We’re not talking about their voting electorate, water provider or favourite local Indian takeaway joint, we’re talking about the set of wheels they use for late night Maccas runs, coz ain’t nothing better than a long list of broad generalisations and suburb-related stereotypes to get the blood pumping.

Check the list below to see what type of car you’re most likely to drive, according to the Melbourne suburb you curl up in at night.

Abbotsford

A green 2014 Subaru Forester with roof racks, a ‘baby on board’ sign in the rear windscreen and finger marks all over the rear windows.

Ascot Vale

A light blue 2014 Ford Focus hatchback with eleven family car stickers on the rear windscreen and some loose organic red lentils on the floor of the passenger seat.

Brunswick

A maroon 1999 Subaru Outback with three hubcaps and a garbage bag taped over the rear left passenger window.

Carlton

A standard white 2016 Volkswagen Polo with a fluffy pink Mimco pom pom hanging from the rear vision mirror.

CBD

A number 19 tram with three power-hungry tram inspectors schlepping around the aisles, ruining lives.

Collingwood

A black 1999 Volkswagen Golf Trendline with a bubblegum flavoured air freshener and a Maccas apple pie wrapper in the glovebox.

Fitzroy

A homemade longboard whittled from the wood of a South Yarra rowing shed.

Flemington

A silver 1999 Mitsubishi Lancer with a rear spoiler, custom plates and expired registration.

Footscray

An immaculate 2015 Kia Sportage with unopened bottles of water and Eclipse breath mints in the back seat.

Hawthorn

A white 2015 Holden Cruze sedan with Woolworths reusable bags in the boot and a pastel coloured Frank Green cup filled with cinnamon chai tea in the front cup holder.

Kensington

A white 2015 Honda Civic with three size 0 Auskick jerseys in the boot and a well read 2017/18 Entertainment Book in the glove box.

Kew

A midnight blue 2016 Mazda 6 with the September issue of Delicious magazine on the passenger seat and an emergency can of petrol in a safe in the boot.

Malvern

A silver 2016 Mercedes GLC SUV with a sunroof, illuminated floating centre hubcaps and P plates.

Moonee Ponds

A gold 2003 Toyota Camry with malfunctioning automatic windows and an empty Essendon FC mug rolling around under the driver’s seat.

Northcote

A refurbished 1921 Ford hearse with faux fur seat covers and a waterbed in the back.

North Melbourne

A red 2012 Mazda 3 with a Greens sticker on the rear windscreen, Jodi Picoult’s Nineteen Minutes under the driver’s seat and six-pack of Melbourne Bitter in a freezer bag in the boot.

Port Melbourne

A grey 2013 Range Rover Discovery Sport with inbuilt DVD players in the headrests and a Seafolly tote in the boot.

Richmond

An orange 2013 Volvo C30 with illegal-strength window tinting, two ‘new car smell’ air fresheners and a tub of Optimum Gold Standard 100% Whey choc mint protein powder in the back seat.

Southbank

A white 2016 Audi A3 driven by a full-time chauffeur who gets paid in casino chips and BHP shares.

South Yarra

A yellow preview model of the 2018 Porsche 911 Carrera 4s with a Young Liberals bumper sticker on the rear windscreen.

St Kilda

A red 2017 Audi Q2 with heated leather seats, an electric sunroof and a bottle of Reef Dark Sun Tan Coconut Oil in the front cup holder.

Thornbury

A white 2014 Hyundai i30 with an empty bottle of Gossips Moscato under the passenger seat.

Toorak

A black 2017 BMW X5 with the original and incomplete transcript of the final Game of Thrones book on the front passenger seat.

Wondering if you're wearing the right garb for your suburb? Here are our style trends according to which suburb you reside in.

Image credit: Ben Tyers

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