The holiday season is the time to show your lady that you’re extremely attentive and have absolutely been writing down all the prezzies she’s been subtly hinting at in the form of direct links inboxed to your work email. But in case you haven’t, and you’re still not sure what to get her–don’t get her these.
An Ashy Bines Bikini Body Challenge Subscription
Unless you think body image issues are a great gift to give the one you love.
Women are fantastic drivers; the drive-thrus at McDonalds are just insanely narrow.
I can assure you, she still has at least four Donna Hay hardcovers that her mother bought her in a hopeless attempt to get her to stop eating Mi Goreng during high school.
A Whipper Snipper
This is not a thoughtful gift, unless your girlfriend is a gardening machinery collector and/or has recently expressed a desire to trim foliage.
A Knock-Off FitBit
How very dare you. Does your girlfriend make you knock-off shepherd’s pie? I didn’t think so.
This isn’t 2004.
Seriously, f*ck off.
The Same Thing You Gave Your Mum
Your girlfriend’s not your mum, even if your mum’s your dad, she needs more than a shower lotion set from The Body Shop to stick around.
Anything From The Supermarket
Unless it’s round, covered in coloured foil and is a Ferrero Rocher inside a one-kilo box of other Ferrero Rochers.
Start packing your things now.
Anything That Was Given To You By Someone else
Unless it’s from Lush–pass that shit on.
The Lizzie McGuire Movie On DVD
She’s already got it.
A Hover Board
Unless she’s expressed interest in having her house burnt to the ground.
Do you want her to love you, or do you want to trigger the PTSD she developed over several Christmases during her childhood?
You had one job; to get her a Mecca gift voucher, a Pandora birthstone ring and a box of milk chocolate Lindt balls, and you blew it. You’re dead to her.
Want to read an article that’s actually helpful? Here's our ultimate Christmas gift guide.
Image credit: Andrew Neel