One of the things I most like about Christmas time is you can basically drink whatever you want, whenever you want. All you have to do is say the phrase ‘festive season’ and you get a free pass to booze up. A cheeky glass of whiskey at 9am? Hey, it’s the festive season, get amongst it! Opening a bottle of champagne at your desk at work? Festive season. Waking up naked at a strange house after a two-day bender… You get the picture.
Your tipple of choice also gives a good indication of what kind of person you are. What does your Christmas-time drink say about you?
You’re more a Mariah Carey person than a Michael Bublé person, but you WILL happily listen to both for several weeks leading up to Xmas. You regularly share fake news on Facebook just to get a reaction out of your relatives. You’ve been spelling ‘rhythm’ wrong your whole life.
Your father drank cold beer at Christmas time, and so did his father. His father was an alcoholic so he had to hide his drinks in the pot plants, at least when Great Gramma Esmeralda was around … wait, what were we talking about? Oh yes, beer. If it was good enough for your ancestors, it’s good enough for you on Christmas Day. And every day leading up to it. You’re the kind of person who only eats one of the multiple salads on offer and spends a lot of Christmas Day thinking about the Boxing Day Test.
Yep, you’re that guy or girl who brings their own six pack of fancypants craft beer to the party, even though there’s literally cartons of perfectly good normal beer available. You also insist on getting your hair done the week before Christmas, and have spent ages choosing just the right pair of beige shorts to wear this year to convey the breezy but sophisticated look you’re going for.
A stranger looking at your social media accounts would have to assume you’re completely insane. The last time you were happy with your Christmas presents was 2003. You think you’re a Ross but you’re really a Monica.
After last Christmas, your grandma told all her friends you have ‘zero chill’. You’ve actually read guides on how to take better selfies. Your spirit animal is Zooey Deschanel.
There’s a moment every Christmas when you convince yourself fleetingly that Santa is real. Usually somewhere between your fourth and sixth glass of rosé.
You’re of the belief that sugarcane champagne magically becomes a jolly tipple around Christmastime, rather than what it actually is; hard liquor. Someone is going to give you an otter as a present this year. Your best physical feature is your forehead.
Standing naked waiting for the shower to warm up is your personal Hell. Sometimes hearing club bangers on the radio makes you cry. When it rains you always say, ‘well, the farmers will be happy’ as a way of annoying everyone around you. Your family has to remind you every year that Christmas is not fancy dress.
You drink vodka at Christmas? OK, good luck with everything.
You spend more on bubbles every year in the vain hope it will taste as good as Asti Riccadonna did when you were 16. Trust me, darl, that was peak bubbles and you’re never getting it back. By the way, by the end of next year you’ll be an internationally recognised artist.
Huzzah to you for persisting with this northern hemisphere Christmas tradition which is obviously not suited to Australian conditions. We salute your stubbornness. In case you hadn’t realised it yet, the next 20 years of your life are going to bear a remarkable similarity to Harold from Neighbours’ storyline.
Hay caramba, aren’t you an exotic little Christmas bird! Drinking refreshing sangria to celebrate the holidays? Genius. No wonder you were once described by your boss as ‘sex on toast’ and are regarded as the most popular member of your family by a long way. If you’re planning on getting a drunk tattoo over the holiday period (and the chances of this are high), we’d recommend you make it a Parks and Recs character. You won’t regret it.
Image credit: Tablet Mag