27 New Year's Resolutions That Are Better Than Yours

By Simone Jovel
1st Jan 2017

Well, would you look at that? It’s been a year since you last swore off smoking and drinking every weekend and then yelled at a mouldy bagel for looking at you funny five minutes later.

A year since you promised yourself you’d go to the gym three times a week, and ended up finding an old VHS of The Chipmunks Adventure and watching that instead.

Time flies, don’t it? And now that 2017 is here, you’re no doubt going to make some large commitments to being a better person… But just in case you want to take a walk on the wild side with me (you know, for funsies), here are 27 infinitely better resolutions to nail in 2017. Success pretty much guaranteed.

1. Try new things. Like the skin that forms on top of your hot chocolate when you leave it too long. You know the one I mean.

2. Actually finish something. Like that strawberry kiwi flavoured Lip Smacker you’ve had since year 7.

3. Spend less time on your phone. An Apple Watch does most of the same things.

4. Put on your detective hat and figure out once and for all, who stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

5. Be better at committing. Case in point: drink a cup of tea before it goes cold.

6. Start every sentence with “well, I’m a Sagittarius, so….” People love that.

7. Start a campaign to bring Lou Bega back into the spotlight where he belongs.

8. Write a fifth Twilight book. It will unquestionably be better than the first four.

9. Lose weight by writing “you’re fat” on everything you eat.

10. Go full adult and actually fill up your petrol tank. The whole way. Not just $20.

11. Seriously, take your damn pill at the same time every day.

12. Find your Tamagotchi, and clean up the poor guy’s poops for heaven’s sake.

13. Or keep condoms handy. You say presumptuous, I say optimistic.

14. On that note, graduate from the glow in the dark types. Lightsabers are a mood killer at the best of times.

15. Don’t spread yourself so thin. Go to town with that peanut butter.

16. Eat more cabanossi.

17. Change your ex-boyfriend’s phone number in your phone to your Mum. A few hundred 2am calls will get her off your back.

18. Finally move on from the gut-wrenching robbery that was Shannon Noll losing Australian Idol in 2003.

19. Take more gym selfies. Seriously, people love them.

20. Track down Owen Wilson, and tell him Drillbit Taylor was really shit.

21. Clean the lint out of your belly button more than once a week.

22. Try to make fetch happen.

23. Make a more conscious effort to correct people’s grammar. They need to be told.

24. Poop exclusively on company time.

25. Tell literally everyone that will listen that Grease 2 is superior to Grease 1.

26. Learn the second verse of the Australian national anthem.

27. Finally, make it your damn mission to track down the kid from the Lube Mobile ads. No, seriously. Why has he not been knighted?

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