Uber is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get.
Our obsession with Uber stems from this very concept. The novelty of not knowing who is going to pull up, and in what type of vehicle, is the lucky dip of the roads of which we never grow tired.
David, Mohammed, or Vanessa will be picking you up in 20 seconds time. What will their story be? Sit up front and get to know them; you never know what you might learn.
Here are seven Uber drivers everyone has had at least once.
Alan Jones blasting on the radio, the musky fug of Brut Cologne, three Navmans on the dashboard, and the air-con cranked so high your eyeballs sting… Dad, is that you? No, it’s the retiree who lasted three months happily retired before the inevitable boredom set in. This Uber driver knew the Sunshine Coast before it morphed into a land of many housing developments. Fortunately for you, this driver also knows every shortcut, back alley, and way around those damn traffic lights on Nicklin Way, and will get you to birthday drinks ahead of time. You will often be gifted a sage piece of advice when leaving the car: “Don’t drink too much,” or, “Be safe and make sure you tell your parents when you’ll be home!”
You sprint to the Uber in the pouring rain and dive into the front seat. The driver greets you warmly, before reaching forward to run their finger down the windscreen. You look ahead and see the Uber driver completing a 2,000-year-old equation in the condensation on the glass. You only have one choice here, to ask the classic question of, “what else do you do besides drive for Uber?” It turns out your driver for the night is completing a double degree in quantum physics and advanced mathematics, and drives for Uber to pay for overpriced university textbooks.
I know how much Uber drivers make. I drove for Uber for more than a year full-time and you can earn an okay wage, if you work the right hours. More than once, a driver has claimed to own more properties than John McGrath and have as many shares as Buffett. The driver is apparently a personal friend of Mark Bouris and plays golf with Aussie John Symons on weekends. You’re in for one hell of an ear bashing with this Uber driver, who can’t take a hint that you’re just not that interested.
Uber Driver Who Won’t Take You To McDonalds At 3am
“You can’t eat in my car.” “The smell, it gets stuck in the seats.” “$10 extra for food pick up.”
This is unequivocally the worst type of Uber driver in modern society. It should be written into the Universal Declaration of Human Rights that no drunken person across this planet of ours should ever be refused greasy, disgusting food when in a state of intoxication. A citizen’s arrest of said individual should hold up in any self-respecting court of law. Promises of, “I won’t even open the bag, I’ll wait until I leave the car,” fall on deaf ears as the Uber driver from hell shakes their head and denies your impassioned pleas. Rate accordingly.
Statue of Buddha on the dashboard, white guy with topknot at the wheel of the car—you know the one. Is that incense I can smell? Psychedelic trance on Spotify? Fresh in Australia after two weeks spent at Burning Man, this Uber driver is more chill than Messina. He effortlessly changes lanes and doesn’t flinch when a car horn sounds angrily, or the Commodore in front almost causes a pile-up. He tells stories about taking ayahuasca in Peru and you’re almost certain the incense is there to mask the unmistakable aroma of freshly smoked ganja. Five stars and peace out dude.
The Female Uber Driver
It is said you have a better chance of catching a Mew on Pokemon Blue on a Gameboy, than ever meeting one of these rarest of rare world wonders; the female Uber Driver. These unicorns of the transport world will put the scurrilous myth about subpar :female drivers” to bed once and for all. After the initial OMG moment and the banal chatter about this being the first ever time you have had a female Uber driver, the ride will be very similar to every other trip you have had on the platform, with the exception of a few points. The car will generally smell better, it will be a little neater, and the standard water and mints will be replaced by iced-cold lemonade and all-pink Starburst. What a treat.
Ex Taxi Driver
Is the term lipstick on a pig too harsh here? Only kidding. When taxi drivers make the move over to Uber, the debilitating chip on their shoulder about passengers and long hours dissipates for at least the first few months of their newfound freedom. Then, the cracks start to appear. The first signs you are in the car with an ex-cabbie is the tell-tale stop-start driving that makes it look like you’re in one of those old school hip hop film clips in a suped-up car bouncing along on hydraulics. The next sign is the incessant complaining about passengers, the low pay, and the rating system, how there are too many other drivers on the road. Exhausted yet? The final sign is their cheeky request you give them a five-star rating. Ask, and you almost definitely will not receive.
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Image Credit: Uber Havoc