Funny

Bachelor Recap | Week 4

By Sophie Colvin - 19 Aug 2016

Let’s get straight into the good stuff. And there was a lot of it in week four of The Bachelor.

EPISODE 7

Osher kicks things off by interrupting pyjama time. Apparently stripes are in.

Rachel gets the single date and meets Richie on a bit of a rickety old ship.

Rachel plays up how adventurous she is, Richie does A LOT of very awkward laughing.

They climb the mast of the ship, and Richie is clearly just perving on Rachel’s arse as she climbs ahead of him. They have a very predictable titanic moment and climb down.

The pair go swimming, Rachel gets bonus points for her sick flips off the boat. Rachel tries to drown Richie.

Richie reminds himself to be the one thing he’s not: Smooth.

Next up is… a rum tasting? Because Rum is exactly what every girl wants on a date. Rachel clearly can’t hack it and it seems like Richie is just trying to get her white girl wasted.

They chat, it’s pretty boring and then, predictably, Richie goes for the tongue lunge. Rachel gets a rose and reveals herself as a front runner.

Garden Party time! Head chain accessories appear to be a thing.

The girls get stood up and proceed to get waaaaaay drunk.

We cut to Richie standing in a forest, Osher tells him there are more girls arriving and they’re “up for anything.” Get your mind out of the gutter, Richie.

He then proceeds to lure girl after girl out of the forest (because that’s normal). They’re all more or less clones of each other and have all been portrayed to be the out doorsey types. Lets call them Quad Bike Girl, Squeeky Voice Girl, and Horsey Girl. They each have remarkably uneventful and identical picnic dates.

The ‘Intruders’ arrive via chopper, and the original girls lose their shit and act really surprised… like this hasn’t happened in every other season?

It’s cocktail party time and Alex wields her white rose. You get the feeling no one really cares if it means Richie won’t be with the new girls.

The girls have an almighty fight, something about Kiki warning the new girls that Keira is not-so-nice. Keira proves Kiki’s point by calling her a “peasant”. 100% the best insult this season.

Rose ceremony! Rose, rose, rose. Megan! And she says NO! The other girls are outraged she’d be so ungrateful. Richie can’t believe someone’s not in to him.

A few more roses and Georgia is sent home. Finally no more dark hair.

EPISODE 8

The promos are concise enough that there’s really no need to watch the rest of it–thanks Channel 10.

We’re told straight up that crazy eyes Russian Olena has the first date and then the poor man’s Lara Bingle, Kiera has the second.

‘The originals’ seem to think that hanging around in a mansion for month, dating the same guy, means that the interlopers should #respect them. Bow down bitches.

Keira refers to the mansion as the “House Of Hell”… Can’t image why it’d be like that Keira?!

Osher waltzes in to deliver the date card, as in every. Single. Episode, the girls guess that it’s hot air ballooning.

Olena gets the date and Keira predictably does the mother of all teeth-licks.

Faith refers to Olena as a “dark horse”, which is a bit strange because I think she’s in most people’s top 3, and there’s no way Faith’s lasting too much longer.

Richie and Olena jet off on their date. I don’t know if there are budget cuts at 10, but that jet is pretty disappointing. Olena announces she’s never been in a jet before, so she probably won’t even notice.

There’s a cut to an epic montage of how freaking awkward Olena was on their last date. High-range interrogation.

Boring date in Mudgee, boring date, nothing conversation. BOOM . Richie sticks his tongue down the poor girl’s throat. Rich notes that the kiss was “a long time coming”…. Mate, you’ve kissed every girl you’ve been on a date with.

We could all really learn something from Olena: Be mysterious AF, and you’ll keep him hangin’. Like seriously, conversation wise, she brought zero to the table.

It’s time for a group date. And they’re off to the Sydney Fish Market. Really?! Alex is wearing her 39th unnecessary chocker of the season. Nikki announces she doesn’t eat seafood.

The girls don’t really try to hide their disgust at Richie’s choice of date.

They hit the kitchen, because it’s always important to check that future partners have cooking skills before you commit. Nikki is completely clueless, Rachel ‘Likes to see Steph (quad bike girl) lose”, Sarah (squeaky voice girl) uses the terms ‘fondle’ and ‘fish’ in the same sentence.

Richie judges the dishes on ‘how much love has been put in to them’, like he hasn’t already decided who’s going to win one-on-one time. To the man’s credit, he makes eating crab legs look a whole lot easier than it is. Rachel and Noni win. They then proceed to be super catty to each other. Rachel is far wittier than I previously gave her credit for.

Time for the second single date: Keira announces Richie will “be in trouble’ if he doesn’t choose her”. Like, what are you going to do about it, Keira?!

Keira gets the date and her Cruella laugh is out of control. They do yoga by a swamp. There’s magically yoga gear for Kiera to wear. Kiera takes control of the class (surprise, surprise).

Richie and Kiera have a heart to heart. Richie acknowledges that she’s a high-range crazy and then tells her that he’s not in to her. Kiera then pretends she never even liked him… Keira sums it up by saying she was “too good for the situation”. And that “Love is not something she struggles with and there’s no way she’ll be left on the shelf.” Like this is the ‘50s or something and we’re all waiting to be chosen. Kiera’s exit drive really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Cocktail party time! Alex is wearing ANOTHER chocker, and she’s clutching the white rose. (How has that thing not died yet?!)

Richie takes Nikki to a private space and the girls lose their minds. Alex turns green in front of our eyes. Richie all but declares Nikki the winner and again, demonstrates that he hasn’t mastered the camera kiss.

No rose ceremony! With walk-outs and early kick-offs, 10 clearly need to stick to their schedule.

Until next time.

Image Credit: Channel 10

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