Funny

7 Girls You'll Definitely Date Before Finding The One

By Daniel Colasimone - 15 Apr 2017

Guys tend to have a simpler dating approach to women, based largely around a “whatever I can get” philosophy.

Very often throughout our dating lives, we’ll find ourselves locked into a relationship that doesn’t really work. We try to remember how we got into it, but can’t quite figure out what the thought process was. It’s then a matter of deciding whether it’s worth the effort of extricating ourselves.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” is the best way of explaining how certain girls come into our lives. That and wanting desperately to get laid.

Once you’ve found The One, you’ll certainly know about it, but there is bound to be a lot of experimentation before reaching that point. And unlike women—who are more methodical—our experimentation tends to be completely haphazard, pointless, and stupid.

To try and bring some order to the chaos, we’ve kindly gone and made a list of the seven girls you’ll definitely date before finding The One.

The High School Sweetheart

If you managed to pull yourself together enough in high school to get over all your teenage angst issues, stop looking at porn for a minute and find a real-life girlfriend, mazel tov to you.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE HER
Cataclysmic forces of lust and infatuation combined with inexperience will ensure your high school flame is one of the most intense relationships of your life. You WILL consider getting her name tattooed on your shoulder.

WHY YOU’LL BREAK UP
She’s probably as teenage messed-up as you are. One of you will pash the other one’s friend after three cans of Woodstock Bourbon. There will be tears and vomit and you’ll end up hating each other SO much. Let’s hope you didn’t get that tattoo.

The Uni Chick

To be honest, you’re likely to be drunk and partying for most of your university days, but there will be a time when you realise you’ve woken up next to the same girl for like, three times in a row. Congratulations, you’re in a relationship!

WHY YOU’LL LOVE HER
She’ll probably have a similar “sex: all the time” policy as you but it’s about more than that, bro. The moment you start uni you become really, really smart and know pretty much everything about the world (as evidenced by that cool hat you’re wearing), so you guys will have the most profound conversations about life that are in no way clichéd or straight out of the script of a bad indie movie. Here’s you guys having a deep and meaningful.

WHY YOU’LL BREAK UP
You won’t have any money to go on proper dates. Her friends will hate you because you slept with that trashy girl just before you guys got together. She thinks your accommodation is disgusting. She will cheat on you with a guy named Thommo.

Miss Everybody Hates Her Except You

All men develop a curious blind spot at some point in their dating lives and end up smitten by a young lady who everyone else considers to be of despicable character. For the months (or years) that you date her, you will persuade yourself that your family and friends are wrong. She is not a bad person. THEY ARE ALL BAD PEOPLE.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE HER
After a while it will be mostly just out of stubbornness.

WHY YOU’LL BREAK UP
Um, everyone else was right. What the hell is wrong with you?

The Foreign Girl

Ooh la la aren’t you a fancy fellow? Your girlfriend is from a not-Australia or New Zealand country?? You suave sophisticate. You international playboy! In reality, though, this would have been much more impressive, say, 100 years ago when the world wasn’t so small and people were more racist. It’s not quite so hard to date a foreigner anymore, but it’s still a spicy experience.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE HER
She will teach you a lot (mostly about how lacking in culture Australians are). If her English isn’t perfect, the little misunderstandings you have all the time will be JUST ADORABLE. People will say stuff to you like “Are you still dating that hot [insert nationality here] chick?” and you will feel like a god among men.

WHY YOU’LL BREAK UP
Those little misunderstandings and cultural differences will become monstrous issues that are no longer cute at all. She will call you a “fucking basic Australian” in a sexy accent and you’ll scream something like “well at least my country’s food isn’t stinky”’. There’s no coming back from that.

The Mate

She’s one of your group of friends. You go to the pub together, you get coffee together—you’ve probably even crashed in the same bed. There’s never been any spark. Then suddenly, there’s a spark. Before you know it, you’re actually dating. Much to the amusement of the rest of your mates.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE HER
For the exact reasons you were always such good friends with her. She has the same sense of humour as you, you can talk about anything, you know each other’s relationship histories. You get to skip the whole courting/getting to know each other phase and dive right into to the serious relationship stuff. You have previously, and will continue to, fart in front of each other.

WHY YOU’LL BREAK UP
Skipping all the getting-to-know-you stuff is convenient, but it also sucks a bit of the romance out of the whole situation. It’s fun learning things about your new girlfriend. “Oh, you have 11 toes? Cute!” You get robbed of magical moments like that when you already know everything about each other. And knowing everything about their past is like having a nuclear weapon at your disposal when you get in arguments.

Miss High Maintenance

On your first date she will say with a glimmer in her eye, “You know, I’m super high-maintenance, I dunno if you can handle me,” and you’ll laugh and reply with something lame. Thing is, she ain’t kidding. You’re in trouble.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE HER
Just like the most expensive chocolates in the lollies aisle at Woolies, she will seem a bit special because she costs more. She costs more money, and she costs more time. But for a while you’ll actually enjoy the challenge, expecting that eventually she will melt a little under all the love and attention you’re giving her, becoming a sweeter version of herself who is not quite so… demanding.

WHY YOU’LL BREAK UP
You know that quote that people put on Instagram from Marilyn Monroe about how ‘if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve bla bla bla…’? That quote is bullshit. Marilyn never said it and also it’s just bullshit. Relationships are about give and take. Yes, the women in your life should absolutely be treated with endless love and respect. But find a girl who appreciates you a little bit too. You can pretend the expensive 80% cocoa choccy with the fancy packaging tastes better, but in reality you’re going to enjoy the half-price Cadbury Fruit & Nut so much more. And it’s better for your health (because of the fruit).

When You’re Batting-Above-Your-Average

Sometimes in life, the cards fall in your favour. This could mean you winning the meat tray in the pub raffle, scoring free tickets to the Big Bash or somehow ending up with a ridiculously hot girlfriend.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE HER
Do I really need to explain it? She’s really, really attractive.

WHY YOU’LL BREAK UP
Despite what you would assume, it won’t be her that causes this break-up. It will be you. You will start feeling super paranoid that everyone in the restaurant/bar/pokies room has noticed how much better looking she is than you. Your friends will point it out to your face. Constantly. Your assurances that you have a huge schlong won’t keep them at bay for long. You will convince yourself that she is flirting with the barista when she asks for a long black. She isn’t. It’s you, bro, it’s all you. Eventually, she’ll leave you for a guy called Todd.

Image Credit: The Sweetest Thing

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