What will it be this year, people? Quitting smoking perhaps? Vowing to hit the gym every day of the week maybe? Or promising to not text the ex you’re still so madly in love with?
Pfft, don’t make us laugh! We’ve heard them all before and have been guilty of saying these old chestnuts ourselves, unfortunately.
Instead of announcing “new year, new me!” after one too many glasses of the sparkling stuff, why not accept the fact that you’re not perfect and that you simply cannot last a day without your much-needed vice? Let’s raise a glass to realistic expectations and try to become a slightly better version of our already near-perfect selves. Cheers!
1. Stop saying the words “goals”, “yas” and “bae”. In the profound words of Regina George, “stop trying to make ‘fleek’ happen, it’s never going to happen”.
2. Stop asking for the cheapest wine at the bar. You deserve better—and so do your taste buds.
3. Read more books. No, Snapchat stories do not count.
4. Stop pretending to like kale. It’s expensive, dry, and hideously vile. Soz, nutritionists.
5. Keep some plants alive. We know it’s hard enough looking after yourself, let alone another living organism, but you can do it!
6. Clear your inbox. Categorise, manage, reply, and—most importantly—delete!
7. Educate yourself on current events and not just Kylie Jenner’s lipstick.
8. Check your bank balance once in a while. You can run, but you can’t hide.
9. Stop dressing in your activewear for coffee dates. Activewear is for working out, not a matcha latte-drinking uniform.
10. Speaking of, put that paid membership to good use. A class or two a week isn’t gonna kill you. We promise.
11. Stop saying sorry when it’s not your fault. Stand your ground!
12. Fill your gas tank up… all the way. No more packing rations for potential break downs on the side of the road, people.
13. Put the Snapchat filters away. Are you really going to show your dog-filtered selfies to future grandchildren? Didn’t think so.
14. Stop comparing yourself to people on social media. Valentina—the bronzed-to-perfection yoga goddess, who prances around in barely there bikinis—does not hold down a nine-to-five job and does not have to put up with Susan-from-sales shit all day.
15. Stop paying so much for guac. $4 is daylight robbery—in your heart, you know this.
16. Buy yourself flowers once in a while. Those sweet-smelling peonies haven’t got legs, ya know.
17. Stop asking for no dressing. What are a few teaspoons of garlicy, oily, mustard-filled deliciousness actually gonna do, really?
18. Stop being tempted by infomercials or, even worse, stop giving in. Do you really need four crystal-coated egg peelers?
19. Stop getting three-inch acrylic back scratchers stuck to your nails. You have your own nails; you do not need claws too.