We’re one week into Matty J’s pilgrimage to fatherhood and not one but twenty-two age inappropriate office administrators have thrown their hollow wombs at his rock hard fourteen-pack. And while we waved goodbye to two sets of tingling ovaries in episode one (Stacey and Monica, may they rest in peace and enjoy their 600 extra Instagram followers) episode two proved to be an absolute kick in the babymaker for anyone who thought this season might be any less anti-feminist than a 1994 episode of the Footy Show.
Here’s what happened in episode two of Matty J’s Barbie Caravan.
The First Single Date
After six hours of doing sweet f*ck all because phones are banned in the mansion and chlorine destroys fake tans, a production assistant pushed Osher through a doorway and he declared that one lucky womb would get to touch his new ultra severe crew cut, and then spend five intimate hours on a boat with Matty and sixteen cameramen.
After Tara ripped the golden envelope from Osher’s cold, dead hands and announced that exchange-student-come-flame-juggler Elora a.k.a Lara Croft will be joining Matty on the boat. Jenn then promptly gargled some slanderous comment about how she’s going to ‘walk over’ Elora and then mow her lawn.
Cut to an episode of 60 Minutes where Elora is walking along the beach, probably reflecting on that time she was scammed into purchasing $4,000 worth of Bunnings vouchers over Skype in 2003, and how she’s now ready to settle down after spending five years on a Contiki tour in the tropical isle of Tasmania.
Oh, how we love a so slow pan of a sexy man on a yacht.�� #TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/ewipE00W1W
— The Bachelor Aus (@TheBachelorAU) July 27, 2017
On the boat, Matty gives Elora an alcohol-free orange juice so as not to damage her fertility, and makes her sit on this bizarre steel net-cage hybrid hanging from the back of the sea vessel because the camera crew have clearly taken up all the room on the deck.
After some sensual hand holding, Matty tells the camera that he likes Elora’s hands and also how she’s not holding back (probably because she shared her ovulation cycle specifics with him) and then confides in her that it took him a while to think about dating again. On the inside, Elora scoffs and chokes on her orange juice but then remembers she’s on telly and that her future radio show hangs on this moment, so she speaks a bit of French and talks about travel until Matty gives her a rose and some Elevit Women’s Multivitamins and returns her to land.
Back at the Barbie Caravan, the moles are out in full force because somehow Jennifer managed to recruit Leah and Sian into the Putrid Dress Club and the Three Mole-sketeers have evidently gone full Slytherin. The other women have somehow concurred that Matty and Elora are riding some form of wild animal on their single date, and a few of them speculate on breeds. On the other couch, Jen forgets what show she’s on and starts listing all the reasons Elora will be ‘voted out of the house soon’ and concludes that she’s ‘going to have to destroy her to win the game’.
Another production assistant then lobs a gold envelope onto the kitchen bench and Jen spends the rest of the afternoon dramatically reading out all the names of the girls going on the group date.
When Elora arrives back at the Caravan, rose in hand, most of the women politely pretend not to want to scratch her eyes out, while the Power Moles pick one random word Elora said in the last fourteen seconds and repeat it twenty-four times in an effort to ‘destroy’ her.
The Group Date
Flash forward to the group date where Jen is repeatedly misusing a common expression she has appeared to have chosen as her villain catchphrase, reiterating on several occasions to the camera that though she likes her newfound backup moles, she has no problem ‘walking over them’.
It's on for Jen and Elora. #TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/oAQIrrqHob
— The Bachelor Aus (@TheBachelorAU) July 27, 2017
Matty J then arrives and announces that the group date will be an eighties-themed photo shoot, primarily so he can send the photos to his fertility specialist who can determine which girl has the most fruitful child-bearing hips, but also because Woman’s Day have run out of paparazzi shots of Fifi Box on holiday in the Caribbean.
Somehow Leah, who has failed to string a whole sentence together this episode, has landed the one-on-one shoot with Matty and basically makes him swear on his mother’s live that he’ll let her pash him. Exchange student Flo then accidentally refers to Jen as ‘Jess’ and will no doubt receive a serious ‘walking over’ later.
Back at hair and makeup, Jen is audibly trash-talking everyone’s outfits while the backup moles nod and hi-five each other behind her, oblivious to the bewildering hypocrisy of the situation. Jen then dons her life saver outfit and all the exchange students spend several minutes coming to terms with Australian water paramedics, pointing out that “she’s got a bloody condom on her head” and that she “looks like a Jewish banana”.
Jen and the Power Moles spend the entire duration of the group photo shoot yelling poorly phrased insults from across the playground. Matty is blatantly aware that his Barbie Caravan is riddled with bad eggs, but the producers have promised him a celebrity appearance on Family Feud if he lets them stay a few more episodes.
Outstanding cobba, and all round good bloke, Cobie, steps aside to let Simone get up close and personal in their cheerleading shot, meanwhile Laura announces that unlike ninety per cent of the women there, she actually saw the eighties and decides that her old age is reason enough to monopolise Matty at the Class of ‘89 shoot. Jen then yells out that Liz’s dress is putrid because she now thinks she’s on Project Runway.
At the one-on-one shoot, Leah straddles Matty on a motorbike and goes in for a pash but Matty visibly recoils under the guise that it would be inappropriate to lock lips in front of the other girls, while Leah claims it would be a great opportunity to ‘ruffle some feathers’.
The Second Single Date
The producers have clearly tried to dilute Matty’s obvious hankering for Lisa’s womb, but have only managed to delay their first date until the last half of the second episode, because in Matty’s words, “her body clock is ticking”.
This episode’s budget was clearly blown on the speed boat rental, so Matty takes Lisa to a tennis court down the road and feigns not knowing how to serve a ball so she’ll touch his shoulder. He then makes a bet with her that means he either gets to kiss her or get her drunk because long live the patriarchy.
Somewhere after getting her in a bikini and force feeding her fruit and dairy byproducts, Matty then gives her a rose and slips her an engagement ring.
"I had to." - Leah�� #TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/Cwvw8EJIKp
— The Bachelor Aus (@TheBachelorAU) July 27, 2017
The Rose Ceremony
Back at the Barbie Caravan, the cocktail party is in full swing when Matty and Lisa arrive. Elora looks visibly devastated to see that Lisa is holding a rose, and Leah looks drunk. The Power Moles relish in Elora’s obvious discomfort and Jen seems confident that all her ‘walking over’ has caused much destruction in the caravan.
Thanks to some feather-ruffling from Leah (who probably calls it ‘chicken-ruffling’), Simone tells Jen she’s a dark person and Jen feigns outrage and claims that she’s “such a bright, vibrant person”, while making a mental note to steal Simone’s Remembrall while she’s sleeping.
The rose ceremony begins and Matty gives all his girlfriends a long and sultry look while trying to discern which ladies have the strongest child-holding arms. Osher then shows off his mathematical prowess by telling the girls that nineteen of the twenty girls will receive a rose and therefore one will not. Leah double checks on a calculator.
Finally, the time has come to boot a womb from the Barbie Caravan. Matty first asks Cobie to accept one of his fertility roses, followed by Alix, Simone, Laura, Anna Pavlova, Elise, Coppa Michelle, Sian, Liz, Exchange Student Flo, Steph, Tara, Destructor Jen, Sharlene, Love Coach Belinda and Natalie, until only Leah and Laura-Ann remain. Matty is clearly sending a strong message to Leah that he does not appreciate her unsolicited pashes and schoolyard taunts because the producers have clearly told Matty that it’s too early split the Power Moles. So, in episode two, it’s time to say goodbye to sweet ol’ Laura-Kardashi-Ann, who looks visibly upset even though her Matty only ever made eye contact one and a half times.
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Image credit: Channel 10