Hello and welcome to another season of Australia’s Next Top Radio Host & C-List Television Personality. After a gruelling hour and 45 minutes of 22 women passive aggressively asking if they should ‘cut another woman’s grass’, we pulled together the first official power rankings for Season 5 of Jim’s Mowing, cough, The Bachelor.
It’s already clear that Matty’s feelings for Lisa are about as strong as her topspin forehand. So far she’s ticking all of his boxes - wears red, competitive, sporty, doesn’t like skirts, has a below average BMI - and was the first to be invited into his Secret Garden *wink* *nudge* *finger guns*. We hope Lisa isn’t as oblivious to Matty’s affection as she apparently is to her own good looks. Even though she wrote ‘model’ on her application.
Clencher of the first impression rose, coppa Michelle, has manhandled herself into the position of strong contender for Matty’s heart, life and future radio co-hosting positions. Added perks include her proven ability to drive a car in heels, making her the feminist hero front runner for this week.
Accessories designer, Tall Georgia Love, broke records and managed to slip a ring on Matty’s finger before the second ad break. She also managed to be the first woman to steal him away for an intimate love chat once all the limos were parked, no doubt to discuss travesty of underpaid casual staff at Lovisa. Jewellery scandals aside, it was her mention of cob loaf on the red carpet that cemented her position as third in our power rankings.
Nanny McT initially caught Matty’s attention when she stepped out of the limo and boasted about children being attracted to her, but eventually managed to win him over with talk of feeling the enormous pressure of being the only sister without a husband or children. Tara’s ideal single date involves her singing in a car for five hours and Matty not telling her to can it.
Georgia Love 2.0 stepped out of the limo with loose brunette curls and a red dress that screamed, ‘I’m probably going to dump you for someone who’s more logistically convenient’. Cobie further cemented her position in the top five when Matty called her the ‘prettiest girl in the coal mine’.
Resident body painter, Alix, showed the telltale signs of a fully fledged psychopath when she spent the majority of her time on the red carpet boasting about her twitchy eye. Fortunately, Matty apparently fell for her ‘quirky’ physical ticks and swimmer's shoulders, but it's only a matter of time until he sees her name in writing and the axe falls.
Leah’s constant stream of garden-related innuendo is second only to her ability to get sh*tfaced somewhere between opening the front door and entering the lounge room. While her main agenda is ‘bashing Matty’s bush’, she has no problem audibly slurring taunts from her velvet loveseat. Her early status as ‘Mansion Villain’ will see sail through numerous rose ceremonies before accepting a guest role on Home & Away.
Dubbed the ‘intruder’ by 21 other girls who obviously don’t understand the concept of an intruder, Lara Croft arrived at the house 10 minutes late wearing black riding jodhpurs and twirling a pair of flaming batons. The gesture itself doesn’t exactly scream wife material but her exotic background and proficiency with flames is enough to paint her as an ‘enormous threat’ in the mansion.
Both exchange students will almost definitely make the top nine, if only because Channel 10 found out about their diversity clause the day before filming, but also because history shows that anyone born north of the equator is granted an instant wild card into the top 10.
Putrid Jen spent 80% of the episode threatening to cut people’s grass and the other 20% reminding the girls that Elizabeth trash-talked her dress but announcing that she doesn’t want drama. The producers have obviously assigned Jen with the title of ‘Mansion Mole’ which will see her reach the top 10, after which Matty will most definitely take her on a single date to a tropical island off the coast of Queensland and leave her there.
While the promos suggested office administrator, Simone, would ruffle a few a feathers in the mansion, in reality she just offered some much-welcomed visual relief from all the red dresses Matty had demanded.
Criminal lawyer, Laura-Kardashi-Ann, initially won Matty over with her explicit reference to her reproductive organs fresh out of the limo, but then spent the rest of the evening laughing at Natalie’s toilet humour. Though she’s awakened the inner dad in Matty, she now needs to switch careers to news presenting to really clench the deal.
Resident fashion critique, Elizabeth, went in strong with a double cheek kiss straight out of the limo but muddied her name inside the mansion after calling Jennifer’s dress ‘putrid’. So far she’s giving off some strong Gina Liano RHOM Season 1 vibes with her incessant denial, but her drama-fueled dress-shaming will probably be enough to land her a few more roses this season.
So far marketing executive, Elise, has exuded next to no wifey potential but rather a tall glass of Melbourne Cup date potential. If she doesn’t baton twirl her way into the living room on the top of a firetruck in the next ep or call another girl’s shoes ‘heinous’, then her pretty face may not be enough to get her further than the top 14.
Sharlene obviously read the memo and showed up in a red dress and a shoulder-length ‘do - tick tick, and though she shows promise as someone who would wear track pants and sit on couches, there’s a twinkle in her eye that suggests she throws crockery when her smart TV fails to record Offspring.
Midwife and born again heterosexual, Natalie, has next to no chance of being a legitimate love interest for Matty but the producers will make him keep her around for a few episodes because she adds a healthy does of batshitcrazy to the Barbie caravan.
Even though Anna Pavlova made quite the entrance with her love ribbons, the fanfare probably wasn’t enough to stifle Matty’s budding suspicion that she almostly definitely has a shrine of Prince Phillip in her laundry. Many of the other women have described her as ‘so nice’, but the people at home certainly heard her wish Elora would set fire to herself.
Belinda has definitely been thrown into the mansion to prevent any ‘agism’ claims from the Daily Mail. Aside from being the proud curator of one of the worst icebreakers on Australian reality television, the ‘Love Coach’ also wore a wedding dress and offered to take Matty down the ‘path of healing’ (which almost definitely leads away from his Secret Garden).
Stephanie’s age indicates that going on The Bachelor is just another ploy to claim special consideration at her exams this year because she still can’t quite wrap her head around the supply/demand curve. Matty probably views her youth as a disadvantage because she’s still a few years off optimum fertility, and obviously wasn’t aware that she had to wear a red dress and speak like a kindergarten teacher.
Right now Matty’s notes about Sian say, “is the only one with hair that is the same colour as her dress” and “See-anne, Shee-uh-n, Sci-anne or Shaarn?”.
An honourable mention goes to Monica and Stacey for displaying absolutely no discerning qualities during the course of the episode, just a Miss V8 Supercars Sash the producers obviously forced Stacey to wear but then realised last minute breached their own advertising rules. Unfortunately their obvious lack of resemblance to Georgia Love saw them booted out of the mansion before Matty could force them to compete in bikini-clad obstacle courses on the beach.
Image credit: Channel 10