7 People You’ll See In The Library During Exams

By Millie Lester
10th Nov 2016

Exams don't usually bring out the best of us, but the library certainly brings out the best of the student population. Keep an eye out for these kids while you're cramming:

#1 Alice, who leaves for skinny-caps every forty-five minutes.

Alice realised three days ago that she has four exams next week and a tutorial attendance rate of 25%. An hour ago she asked her best friend Tamara to change the passwords to all her social media accounts, and has since been drafting a colour-coded study timetable that she’s in the process of incorporating into a flat lay for Instagram. Once she’s finished her marketing degree, Alice plans to either complete an MBA or take a year off formal education to travel through South America to ‘find herself’, and then do teaching.

#2 Ivan, who will give the stink eye to anyone who breathes.

Ivan parks his 2015 Peugeot 308 directly outside the commerce library at 7am every morning. He saves seats for his friends by spreading various personal items across nearby desks and has pre-prepared all his meals so he never has to leave his seat. When Ivan’s not intermittently taking micro-naps at his desk, he’s engaging in heated arguments over Whatsapp with people who aren’t willing to sell their textbooks to him at the appropriate rate of depreciation.

#3 Stephanie, who’s applying for an extension on her take-home due to self-diagnosed seasonal affective disorder.

Stephanie recently made the decision to unenroll from two psychology subjects after being promoted to weekend supervisor at Forever New. She’s pissed at her friend Denise for posting a Scream Queens season finale spoiler on Instagram while she was at body pump this morning, and on top of that, lost her April Birthstone Pandora ring at Village Gold Class last Thursday while celebrating her and Derek’s two and a half month anniversary. When Stephanie’s not fasting for a faculty ball, she’s checking Jetstar flight sales to Bali and tagging her boyfriend in ‘girls most likely to get married in 2017’ posts on Facebook.

#4 Mia, who’s done every practice exam since 1979.

Mia had her lecture notes bound and covered at Officeworks two months ago. She enjoys falsely telling people she’s unprepared for her exams, what her pay rate is at Country Road, and asking her peers what grades they received for assessments she got HDs on. Mia was made interim school captain in 2014 after dobbing Monica Figstein in for smoking behind the tennis courts, she signs her name at the end of anonymous staff evaluation surveys, and has been the self-appointed editor of every single group assignment she’s ever completed.

#5 David, who’s wearing a suit.

David has been an audience member on Q&A no less than four times and is currently in the final round of interviews for the 2017 Ernest & Young grad programme. He has 632 connections on Linkedin, a twelve-month multi-device subscription to The Age and every single season of Survivor on DVD Blu-ray. In his down time, David enjoys drinking things ‘on the rocks’, giving people career advice he read in a disgraced footballer’s autobiography and venomously correcting people’s grammar and punctuation on social media.

#6 Dawn, who is older than the building itself.

Dawn decided at age sixty-four to return to university and complete a bachelor’s degree in creative writing. On more than one occasion she has been advised by her tutor to explore subject avenues other than the resentment she holds towards her children for moving interstate, and B-grade bowling tournaments. When she’s not asking long and convoluted questions from the front row of the lecture theatre, Dawn’s accidentally sharing things on Facebook and sending blank text messages to her grandchildren.

#7 Trent, who’s using a desktop PC because someone from college spilt Coolibah Soft Dry White on his laptop last night.

Trent religiously wears his college rugby top, a pair of footy shorts, thongs and a Quiksilver backpack that his mum gave him for Christmas three years ago. He’s forty-seven lectures behind this semester, but is confident he can catch-up if he doesn’t sleep between now and next Thursday. Though Trent’s technically on academic probation, he did get through to the audition round of Deal or No Deal last month and managed to stream the entire third season of Suits during his Thursday afternoon ag science lectures. 

Image Credit: Presto

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