42 Reasons You’re Still Single

By Daniel Colasimone
6th Sep 2017

find out why you are still single, 42 reasons you're still single

Wait, nobody wants to date you? And you don't know why? Let's try and get to the bottom of this together.

Here are 42 possible reasons why you're still single.

  1. Your laugh sounds like a donkey being tasered.
  2. You think 2 Broke Girls is brilliantly written, nuanced comedy.
  3. You know the names of at least two members of One Direction. Harry and one of the others.
  4. The person working the checkout at Woolies (who you have a crush on) has noticed you buy an awful lot of Vaseline. They don't know it's to stop all that chafing when you go for a run.
  5. You think Adam Sandler is the finest actor of his generation, and are willing to defend your beliefs to the point of violence.
  6. Your best friend is smarter, better looking and funnier than you. Do you not see how that's a problem when you go out together?
  7. You spend way too much time obsessing over Tom Hardy (and doing the Bane voice).
  8. You say the word 'youse.'
  9. You admonish people for saying the word 'youse.'
  10. On dates, you not only talk about your ex, you go through photo albums of your trips together on your phone with tears and snot streaming down your face.
  11. Your mum still has access to your bank account and each month pays your bills for you… just so you don't forget.  She also does your shopping once a week and every time you need to go to the doctor, you insists on coming along (which was really awkward that time you had chlamydia).
  12. Your Tinder profile has that quote from Marilyn Monroe about handling you at your worst. For the love of God...
  13. Your Facebook profile pic is your niece or nephew.
  14. The last time you went to a dentist was when the dental van used to come around to your primary school, and your smile frightens small children.
  15. There's *that* Mongols Motorcycle Club tatt on your neck.
  16. Though your 1997-model car will have vintage credibility in 20 years' time, at present it is just a total piece of crap.
  17. Your manky allergic reaction to milk, avocado, grass and cat hair is not only painful, it's embarrassing.
  18. Those cauliflower ears you have from your touch footy days are quite off-putting.
  19. You forget people's names exactly 0.3 seconds after learning them.
  20. Due to the fact your face is slightly uneven, you are extremely un-photogenic.
  21. There's toilet paper stuck to the back of your pants. 
  22. You mess up basic sayings by saying stuff like, 'It's a doggy dog world,' and, 'it's a hard nut life.'
  23. Your current hair style is almost exactly the same as the one you had when you were 10.
  24. You bought a Jeep.
  25. You actually quite like tofu.
  26. Making up super-cute nicknames like 'my plump little gooseberry' and 'The Orgasm Factory' for someone on a first date is not okay.
  27. David Koch is the closest thing you have to a strong father figure.
  28. You are a terrible cook. Your signature dish is 2-minute noodles with sweet chilli sauce and last time you threw a dinner party, three of your guests had to have their stomachs pumped.
  29. It's 2015 and your conversational references are still smattered with Ali G quotes.
  30. You have a Gloria Estefan poster on your wall.
  31. Your celebrity lookalike is Patrick Star.
  32. You kind of smell like coleslaw dressing.
  33. The last time you went on a date you asked the other person to split everything with you, including your bus fare home.
  34. Having groin rash is bad enough, but people don't need to hear you talk about it all the time.
  35. The time machine car you built hardly ever works properly.
  36. Those Paper Mache clowns you have all over your house are creepy.
  37. You call breasts 'chesticles.'
  38. Going through your list of preferred baby names on a first date is a no-no.
  39. The Footy Show is your primary source of news.
  40. At restaurants, you ask if the almonds in the chicken tagine have been activated.
  41. You cackle manically whenever they say the word 'fanny' on American sitcoms.
  42. When you cut shapes on the dance floor most people in the venue assume you are either being attacked by invisible bees or having some kind of seizure.

Sounds like someone needs to check out our list of 50 Things to Do When You Can't Afford A Holiday.

Image credit: Saltypopcorn.com.au

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