20 Things You Thought Would Happen When You Moved To New Zealand—But Didn’t

By Martha Brooke
16th Jan 2017

20 Things You Thought Would Happen When You Moved To New Zealand—But Didn't

You came, you saw, you conquered. Well, you might still be working on that last one, but don’t worry, there’s still time. If you made the big, bold and brave decision to move to New Zealand, you may have stepped onto that plane with dreams of avocados falling from the sky, endless photo ops with kiwi birds and exploring Mordor with Hobbits. How naive were we?!

Although some things have happened, others have not. Instead of waiting around for the latter to arise, why not raise a glass to not falling for New Zealand stereotypes anymore!

Here are 20 things you thought would happen when you moved to New Zealand—but didn’t.

  1. You'd warm to the idea of putting an egg and beetroot on your beloved burger.
  2. You’d get an all-year-round tan. Annie was wrong. The sun will most definitely not be coming out tomorrow!
  3. You’d learn to love feijoas. If the Devil was reincarnated, it was definitely in the form of one of these.
  4. You’d learn how to say Whakarewarewa with ease. Maybe best leaving that one to the locals.
  5. You’d see kiwis wandering the streets like common pigeons.
  6. You’d pick up a cool, edgy accent and blend in with the locals. Expect a whole lotta mocking and imitations every time you open your mouth.
  7. You’d learn to surf. Jellyfish, freezing temperatures and embarrassment ensues.
  8. You’d live in a hip and trendy flat with awesome people who don’t eat all of your food *types while padlocking packet of Mi Goreng*.
  9. You’d live in a hip and trendy flat and actually have money to spare. Who needs groceries anyway?
  10. You’d live in a hip and trendy flat that comes equipped with central heating, insulation and double glazing.
  11. You’d visit all of the tourist attractions everywhere and anywhere. Stays at home instead, to avoid tourists.
  12. You’d be able to afford and eat lamb all the time, because, New Zealand = sheep country. Ewe must be joking!
  13. You’d master the art of cooking and hardly eat out. So many restaurants, not enough days in the week!
  14. You’d spend every Saturday exploring the local sights and sounds. Not if those quadruple vodkas have anything to do with it!
  15. You’d master the art of public transport *Sings Lonely by Akon as bus fails to turn up*.
  16. You’d share the lanes and drive harmoniously alongside Kiwi drivers.
  17. You’d eat out at all the coolest places in town without ever needing to book. Reservation? What?!
  18. Your Insta would be full of selfies with Lorde, close ups of Kiwi birds and Hobbits riding sheep.
  19. You’d become sick of avo on toast. Two words: life changer.
  20. You’d love rugby as much as football. Egg chasing just doesn’t compare.

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