Attention People, Bali Is Thinking Of Banning Alcohol!

By Sarah Joanna Pope
19th Aug 2016

Wait… what? Someone was totally wasted when they came up with that one.

It’s the worst thing for Bali tourism since the invention of the ethanol cocktail and yet someone is serving this terrible idea up to Indonesia’s House of Representatives as we speak.

Yes, it seems Australia's favourite island getaway is at risk of trading in its Bintangs for… well I don’t even know what else there is.

Point is, don’t do it. Because here’s what will happen.

  1. Bali will become a dystopian landscape of yoga studios and kombucha bars. *shudders*
  2. Boats full of Aussie bogans will be landing on the shores of Vietnam before the week is out.
  3. There will be no way of psyching yourself into latching on to a backpacker’s sweaty face at The Bounty. None. Zip. Nil.
  4. Bintang singlets will become…vintage?
  5. You’ll only be able to spend your money on things made out of shells. *weeps*
  6. Tacos without margaritas. *weeps*
  7. Tourists will begin making booze prison-style. 'I’m just going to leave these oranges in the sun… tell housekeeping to leave them there…'
  8. Pineapple juice with just pineapple juice in it. I can’t even.
  9. Coconuts with no little umbrellas in them!
  10. We’ll start drinking the water… just to feel something.
  11. So many hair braiders out of work—no one gets that shit done sober.
  12. The island will be overrun with obnoxious writers hoping to pen the next Eat Pray Love. Eww, right?
  13. Millions of monkeys going through alcohol withdrawal.
  14. We’ll be wading through a zombie-like crowd of bogans on mushies. Think The Walking Dead meets Castaway.
  15. Less hilariously dodgy holiday tattoos will be born into the world.
  16. We’ll realise Balinese people aren’t actually the nicest people on earth—we were just super shitfaced.
  17. Being stuck in beautiful Bali because of a volcanic ash cloud will be the new going to rehab.
  18. Bali memes—the world’s most offensive, intolerant memes—will no longer be there to inform a new generation.
  19. No drunks stopping to pat that mangy looking cat. Poor. Lonely. Kitty.
  20. Because are you frickin’ kidding me? Really, Bali? Really? #dontunbintangmybali

Heading to Bali soon? You should! Here's How To Have A Rockstar Weekend In Seminyak!

Image credit: Bali Manual

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