The Bachelor Recap | Episode 5

By Daniel Colasimone - 11 Aug 2016

The Bachelor Australia

What a nauseating heart-warming episode of The Bachelor, centred around the importance of children, and how people who aren’t obsessed with them are less deserving of love than those who are.

Here’s the incredibly accurate power ladder after Wednesday’s episode.


Rewarded for being the creepiest mother with her pretend baby, Nikki won a special date with Richie and the pair worked out that children are good, especially when they are born to parents who love each other. They worked that out all on their own, then pashed.


Keep playing it cool and looking stunning, Olena. You can’t go wrong.


Refused to take the fake babies seriously, holding hers like a football and forcing it to play golf, which was the perfect way to deal with the situation.


Further proved that being cute and saying things in a Russian accent will take you far. “She put baby in the corner” coming out of her mouth just sounds ADORABLE.


Another one who is already winning just by acting like a normal person. She’s bound to be in the final few girls by virtue of not screeching at the others, not insisting that she and Richie have a mystical ‘connection’ and not staring at him like a desperate puppy needing to be fed.


Alex thinks it’s amazing that Richie came up with the idea of taking her to a shop called Camilla. I’m a guy and will happily admit I’ve never heard of that brand, and I can guarantee you Richie has never heard of that brand. Alex can choose to believe that was his idea, but that proves she has no clue how this game works. We’re then subjected to an extremely contrived discussion about Alex’s kid. Richie says it’s not a problem. Surprise! Alex says “love has no boundaries”. They mack on with heaps of tongue. I throw up down the front of my shirt. She also flips out when she finds out he kissed someone else, further proving she HAS NO IDEA HOW THIS GAME WORKS.


When Richie actually spends some time with Rachael, he’s going to realise he’s way out of his depth. Until then, he’ll be too afraid to kick her out of the house.


She admitted she hates kids, which is awesome and refreshing.


Yeah, just keep acting nuts and fighting with the others, that’s sure to work for you.


Proving her parenting skills was enough to get Kiki though. Has Richie ever actually had a conversation with her though? I can’t recall a single one.


She’s not even here to date Richie, she’s just in it to gossip and stir shit up.

Bye bye Eliza

In case old mate hadn’t realised that Eliza is meant to be the quirky one, she straight-up told him she was the quirky one and that he should fall in love with her because of it. Richie just looked dazed and confused by those instructions, wondering why she wasn’t telling him how amazing he looked. Bye bye Eliza, Richie doesn’t do weird and interesting.

Image credit: The Bachelor Australia

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