You gleefully describe yourself as a “Foodie” in your Facebook, Instagram or Twitter profile, but which especially annoying kind are you?
We have identified the major categories of irritating Foodies, and face it, if you think about food constantly, you can probably identify with a few of these.
Bear in mind, sweeties, that we mock you with love. Without Foodies reading out posts, Urban List would be nothing more than a godforsaken pile of rubble by now. And yes, we consider ourselves among your ranks. So try not to hate us when one of your friends tags you in this article.
So which category describes you?
The R Roller
You love eating at ethnic restaurants because it gives you the chance to show how well you pronounce foreign food words. You order two cappuccini for you and your embarrassed friend because that’s the correct plural form in Italian and roll your Rs like a Lucho Libre ring announcer when you say burrito. Everyone else just rolls their eyes.
You always head straight for the most unusual item on any restaurant menu because you’re just so ad-vench-arous, darling. Pan-fried sea cucumber basted with royal jelly? Yes please. Slow-roasted echidna served with beer battered geckos and a polenta milkshake? Yum.
The Health Nut
Everyone else wants to get dirty burgers but you insist on hitting up that organic place for some refreshing gazpacho. 30 minutes later everyone is hungry again and considering cannibalising you.
The Urban List Zealot
You quite simply refuse to eat out anywhere that has not been recommended by The Urban List. (This person may not actually exist, but you must admit we are pretty bang on most of the time.)
The Street Foodie
You are totally convinced that food served in an outdoor setting is somehow more authentic and better tasting. Eating a savoury crepe in a Styrofoam container with a plastic fork while standing up actually stimulates you sexually. Markets make you horny and you follow the movements of food trucks like a full-on, sweaty stalker.
The Cave Dweller
Ignoring the fact that the life expectancy in caveman times was like 19, you have decided that mimicking early man’s eating habits will make you healthier. And millions of other highly evolved humans agree with you. Yet for some reason when I go for months without bathing and walk around in a loin cloth grunting at people I’m a “freak.”
The Master Chef
Your friend: “Dude, that seared Cajun swordfish with garlic mayonnaise was off the fricken chain!”
You: “Yeah it was solid, but the one I make at home is way better. Like, I charter a fishing boat and catch the fish myself so I know it’s fresh, and my Cajun recipe was taught to me by an ancient Arcadian woman in Southern Louisiana…”
Your friend: “Shut up, dude, I hate you.”
Your number one priority when deciding what to cook at home or order in a restaurant is which meal will look best in your Instagram photo. Who gives a toss what it tastes like? #nomnomnom
The Wandering Troubadour of Food
Oh, wow, you’ve been to a lot of places in this big, crazy world? And Argentinians just do barbecue so much better than we do? And that bibimbap you had in Seoul was just so much tastier than anything you can find around here? Fascinating, please tell me more... *steps in front of bus*.
You have your own food blog that gets over three visits a week and therefore consider yourself a professional Foodie. It’s called something like Chantelle Chows Down, My Vegan Voyage, What are Phil and Marie Having for Tea? or The Urban List. You prominently display your notebook on the table while eating out in the hope that you’ll get freebies or special treatment, but alas you get nothing more than smirks from overworked wait staff. If you one day score a free pass to some kind of food and wine festival, the hundreds of hours you’ve spent on the blog will all be worth it.